Haven't been here in awhile...

Okay, I missed last week's weigh-in, so, this week when I went to weigh in, I had lost 5.2 pounds. A total of 35.6 pounds lost. I am happy. I am healthier. I am more able to do the things that I want to do. I feel better. I look better. I am finding stuff in my closet to wear that looks brand new because I got too fat to wear the clothes. So, I have a somewhat new bunch of clothes. Thank you, God for being so faithful and for helping me out with this so much.

Guess what? The other night we were out to dinner for our 40th Wedding Anniversary, and my husband offered to share some cole slaw with me and I said, "No, thanks, it has mayonnaise in it." Wow, those words rarely come out of this mouth. I love mayonnaise. I could eat it with a spoon. Also, he offered me a bite of his flounder, and I said this, "Are you kidding me? That is fried. I haven't had anything fried for over 4 months, I am surely not going to put it in my mouth today."

Just so you know, if I was going to eat something fried, it would be a potato, or an onion ring, certainly not fish. I am not done craving things, I just don't give in. Thank you, God, for the power to say, "No, thank you."

Something that I discovered since going on this weight loss journey. Your stomach doesn't really know what it is you ate--your mind is the only one that knows. When the stomach is full, it is full. It can be full of stuff that is good for you, or stuff that is not. That is the choice that I have to make every single meal, every single day.

And, before you think that I am being sanctimonious or smug or that I am patting myself on the back too much, let me say this, IT IS A STRUGGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY TO DENY MYSELF. I still want things that aren't on the diet plan, I still desire to eat stuff that I shouldn't. I still am fighting every single meal not to give in to temptation. I am not cured of the obesity bug, Me and God are just fighting it into remission. Go Us!

Explanation

Okay. Here is a explanation about last week's cryptic post. I had a miserable weigh-in last week. The weigher said that I had gained 1.6 pounds. I was livid. I said to her. "How is that even possible?" She said, "Let me look at your tracker." I showed it to her and she proceeded to tell me all the things that I was doing wrong. I was doing this wrong, I was doing that wrong. I was wrong. Period. One of the highlights is that she said I wasn't eating my two teaspoons of oil every day. Seriously? Not eating two teaspoons of oil would cause me to gain weight. Are you kidding me?

Suffice to say, I was so pissed off I couldn't see straight. I cried on the way home. I don't cry about stuff like this. I was so mad. I couldn't talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it. Yet, I felt compelled to talk about it. I wanted to hide in a hole and not come out. I felt like I had failed. Again.

Honestly, I can truthfully say that for the 12 weeks that I have been on Weight Watchers, I have not cheated one single day. Did I want to cheat? Certainly. Did I want to eat everything in sight? Some days, I did. I have been hungry some days all day, but I don't want to be fat anymore.

You see, this isn't a walk that I walk alone. God is in this with me. I made a deal with God. He provides the strength, I provide the willingness to do what is right regarding my weight. Sounds simple enough. I ask for strength to resist temptation. He delivers strength. I ask for "won't power." He delivers it. I have plenty of "will power." I need to have won't power so that I won't eat like a person who doesn't need to watch her weight.

This week's weigh-in was very good. I lost 6.2 pounds for a toal of 29.6 pounds lost in 12 weeks. See, I told you I didn't deserve that weight gain.

The thing about me is this, though. The following week could have gone either way. Either I would be totally discouraged and give up and eat everything in sight, or I would be determined to show that lady that I so was NOT doing it wrong. I chose the latter. I re-read my materials, I revisited my journal of food consumption. I tightened my symbollic belt, and I did what I was supposed to do. I did not give up on myself.

You see, I don't want to disappoint God. I can disapoint myself. I can disappoint other people. I don't want to disappoint God again. He is my strength. My flesh is not loving this diet. My flesh wants mayonnaise and cheeseburgers and chips. My resolve refuses to give in. This isn't a strength that I have in myself. It is a strength I find through God. He is providing me with the resolve that I have. It is not me alone. I want to make that abundantly clear. I am not doing this by my own power.

See, I want to beat this sin of gluttony. I can only do that by trusting in the God that provides me with everything that I need. Not everything I want. My Weight Watchers leaders says this: "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got." I cannot eat whatever I like. I need to eat to live, not live to eat.

Thanks, God. Truly, I can't do this without You.