I am just thinking today. I have an idea what I am going to write about. Random thoughts. Thinking out loud. Typing what I am thinking, etc.
Blogs are like little snippets of ourselves. If you are blogging what you are thinking, you are letting people in on your innermost thoughts. I am letting you in on mine.
I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better grandmother. I want to be a better friend. That said, how do I go about doing this? I have failed miserably in all of these categories at one time or another. I am human. I blame no one but myself.
I am harboring unforgiveness in my soul. Is this what is causing me to stumble in my life? Probably.
How do you forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? Someone who says that they are perfectly justified in hurting you so badly...that you can barely breathe when you think about it? Others have forgiven this person, why can't I? Do I have some kind of flaw that opens myself up for that kind of hurt? If I distance myself from that person, is that the way to handle the hurt? I am struggling with this.
Forgiveness is forgiveness. I understand that intellectually. God forgives me for all the horrible sins in my life. How come I can't forgive in return? God has been bringing to mind this issue a lot the last couple of months. I have no answer for Him. I know in my soul that I am in direct disobedience to Him. I hate it that I am not behaving in the manner that He expects me to. I know that it is wrong--I know that I am wrong. How come I can't let it go? I keep praying for Him to give me some kind of peace about this issue. Some kind of sign that it is okay to let it go. I keep getting the wrong answers, or I am not listening to His guidance in the right way. I have no idea what to do. I have prayed for God to give me the grace to be able to forgive as He has forgiven me. How come I can't do it? Why is this so hard?
It was just words, but words that hurt me to my soul. How do I get out of this abyss that I call unforgiveness?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Change for the Better
Well, my oldest daughter got engaged this weekend. Congratulations to them both. He is getting a wonderful loving person to spend the rest of his life with, and I am so happy for her. She has chosen for her mate a man of God who is completely perfect for her. He protects her, he loves her, he loves her kids, he is gentle, he is kind, and he is respectful of her feelings. She has been through so much, and I am so glad she is happy again. What I like best is the way she is when she is with him. She is more like her old self. She is happy and not oppressed anymore. Thank you, John, for giving my daughter back her smile. It has been a long time since I have seen her this content. You have won the heart of a very wonderful woman. I trust him with my child. Thank you, Lord, for bringing them together.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Here I come to save the day...
My husband had been out of town since Sunday afternoon, so he wasn't around for all this drama.
I have had a harrowing few days with my little blind dog, Maddie. Monday night, she wasn't at home when I got there from work. Not terribly disturbing because, sometimes, she does wander a bit, but when she wasn't home by 8:00 p.m., I was a little concerned. I was beginning to worry.
I heard a loud knock on my door. There stood my neighbor with a lady, a little girl holding my dog, and a little boy. The lady said that her husband had just rescued our dog from the creek. She said they had seen something odd swimming around in circles in the creek and upon investigation, they discovered it to be a dog. OUR DOG. She said that her husband jumped into the creek and rescued the dog. Honestly, I do not know how they found me, but I know it had to do with my neighbor, because he was with them delivering Maddie to me. Maddie isn't wearing a collar. She rarely leaves the yard, we live on a private lane, etc. I know, I know, no excuse. Anyway, I was so relieved to see my dog, and was so overwhelmed that she was safe, that I didn't catch the lady's name. I feel bad about that, because I would like to write her a note. I did thank them profusely for saving her, though. All is well that ends well. Or so it would seem.
Anyway, to get along in this story. Early Wednesday morning, I let my pitiful blind dog outside to go potty before it got light. I now know that I should have stayed with her, but I was sleepy and didn't want to. Alas, I did not stay outside. I got up at 6:30 and called and called her. She did not come around. I got ready for work and decided to look for her by walking around the front of my house, down the lane a little, and circling through the neighbor's yard. I was at the end of their point when something told me to check the creek. You guessed it. There was Maddie, swimming around in circles in the creek. Well, I ran to my pier, shucked off my shoes, and proceeded to wade into the creek. She never even turned her head toward me when I was shrieking her name -- trying to get her to swim to me.
I am in my socks, but still -- Ewwww, gross. A crab crossed over my foot. I hate the creek. I hate mucky water. I hate not being able to see what I am walking through or on. I have no idea how deep the water is that she is in. I do not know how to swim. What in the world am I doing out here in this creek?
What I did know was that my little pitiful dog was swimming around in circles, probably scared to death. Oh, me, I could not let that dog drown. I proceeded to wade out -- getting stuck in the mud over and over, until I decided to try to go it on my knees so that I couldn't get stuck so much. I got to Maddie, and the water was over my shoulders up to my chin at that point. I even had on my glasses, so I surely didn't want to go in over my head. Anyway, I got to Maddie, cuddled her up, and then tried to carry her to the shore. It didn't work out so good. I kept losing my balance from trying to carry her and keep myself from going under at the same time. So, I did what I had to do. I kept shoving Maddie in the water ahead of me, trying not to push her underwater as I did. I got her to the shoreline, and when I picked her up, her little heart was racing. So was mine. Crisis averted.
I was a sight. I was covered in mud, my work clothes sopping wet, I was a mess. I was completely gross. I didn't want a wet dog in the house, so I put Maddie back in her dog pen and went back into the house -- peeled off those nasty clothes and re-showered and re-dressed for my workday.
Whew. I can tell you, it was pretty harrowing for me. I cried after it was all over, mainly because the shock of what happened had worn off. I guess we all have strengths we don't know we have until we need them.
I would never intentionally or voluntarily go into that creek, much less fully dressed. My husband says I showed courage that morning. I don't know about that. All I know is that I didn't want my dog to drown. If that is courage, then so be it. I did what I had to do.
In retrospect, there are many things I could have done differently. I could have gotten a life jacket from the boat and put it on myself. I could have used a net on a pole to try to shove her to the shoreline. I don't think that would have worked, though, because she was too far away from the pier for me to reach her. I could have gone for help from the neighbors, but honestly, who knows how long that poor dog had been treading water. I surely didn't. I like to think that she had just fallen in and I rescued her before she got too tired. I will never know, because Maddie isn't saying. I could have done many things, but I did what I did because, at the time, it was the only thing that made sense to me. So, that was my Wednesday morning.
Thank you, God, for not letting nasty things touch my body while I was in that water, and thank you for giving me the courage to rescue that dog. Thanks for letting me be able to save that dog and not drown myself in the process. I am grateful for Your many blessings. Amen.
P.S. I am going to be sure to watch Maddie very closely from now on so that I don't have to do that again.
I have had a harrowing few days with my little blind dog, Maddie. Monday night, she wasn't at home when I got there from work. Not terribly disturbing because, sometimes, she does wander a bit, but when she wasn't home by 8:00 p.m., I was a little concerned. I was beginning to worry.
I heard a loud knock on my door. There stood my neighbor with a lady, a little girl holding my dog, and a little boy. The lady said that her husband had just rescued our dog from the creek. She said they had seen something odd swimming around in circles in the creek and upon investigation, they discovered it to be a dog. OUR DOG. She said that her husband jumped into the creek and rescued the dog. Honestly, I do not know how they found me, but I know it had to do with my neighbor, because he was with them delivering Maddie to me. Maddie isn't wearing a collar. She rarely leaves the yard, we live on a private lane, etc. I know, I know, no excuse. Anyway, I was so relieved to see my dog, and was so overwhelmed that she was safe, that I didn't catch the lady's name. I feel bad about that, because I would like to write her a note. I did thank them profusely for saving her, though. All is well that ends well. Or so it would seem.
Anyway, to get along in this story. Early Wednesday morning, I let my pitiful blind dog outside to go potty before it got light. I now know that I should have stayed with her, but I was sleepy and didn't want to. Alas, I did not stay outside. I got up at 6:30 and called and called her. She did not come around. I got ready for work and decided to look for her by walking around the front of my house, down the lane a little, and circling through the neighbor's yard. I was at the end of their point when something told me to check the creek. You guessed it. There was Maddie, swimming around in circles in the creek. Well, I ran to my pier, shucked off my shoes, and proceeded to wade into the creek. She never even turned her head toward me when I was shrieking her name -- trying to get her to swim to me.
I am in my socks, but still -- Ewwww, gross. A crab crossed over my foot. I hate the creek. I hate mucky water. I hate not being able to see what I am walking through or on. I have no idea how deep the water is that she is in. I do not know how to swim. What in the world am I doing out here in this creek?
What I did know was that my little pitiful dog was swimming around in circles, probably scared to death. Oh, me, I could not let that dog drown. I proceeded to wade out -- getting stuck in the mud over and over, until I decided to try to go it on my knees so that I couldn't get stuck so much. I got to Maddie, and the water was over my shoulders up to my chin at that point. I even had on my glasses, so I surely didn't want to go in over my head. Anyway, I got to Maddie, cuddled her up, and then tried to carry her to the shore. It didn't work out so good. I kept losing my balance from trying to carry her and keep myself from going under at the same time. So, I did what I had to do. I kept shoving Maddie in the water ahead of me, trying not to push her underwater as I did. I got her to the shoreline, and when I picked her up, her little heart was racing. So was mine. Crisis averted.
I was a sight. I was covered in mud, my work clothes sopping wet, I was a mess. I was completely gross. I didn't want a wet dog in the house, so I put Maddie back in her dog pen and went back into the house -- peeled off those nasty clothes and re-showered and re-dressed for my workday.
Whew. I can tell you, it was pretty harrowing for me. I cried after it was all over, mainly because the shock of what happened had worn off. I guess we all have strengths we don't know we have until we need them.
I would never intentionally or voluntarily go into that creek, much less fully dressed. My husband says I showed courage that morning. I don't know about that. All I know is that I didn't want my dog to drown. If that is courage, then so be it. I did what I had to do.
In retrospect, there are many things I could have done differently. I could have gotten a life jacket from the boat and put it on myself. I could have used a net on a pole to try to shove her to the shoreline. I don't think that would have worked, though, because she was too far away from the pier for me to reach her. I could have gone for help from the neighbors, but honestly, who knows how long that poor dog had been treading water. I surely didn't. I like to think that she had just fallen in and I rescued her before she got too tired. I will never know, because Maddie isn't saying. I could have done many things, but I did what I did because, at the time, it was the only thing that made sense to me. So, that was my Wednesday morning.
Thank you, God, for not letting nasty things touch my body while I was in that water, and thank you for giving me the courage to rescue that dog. Thanks for letting me be able to save that dog and not drown myself in the process. I am grateful for Your many blessings. Amen.
P.S. I am going to be sure to watch Maddie very closely from now on so that I don't have to do that again.
Monday, July 27, 2009
To God Be The Glory
Okay, I admit it. My husband is out of town. No one is coming over. I am going to be alone tonight. I stopped at Farm Fresh to pick up bread and milk and a chick flick. OK, I was also going to pick up some potato chips and dip. I had my mind made up. I was going to treat myself--I deserve this. No one will ever know. I admit it, I am weak. I am struggling this week.
NO, I DID NOT DO IT. Praise be to God.
The reason for this post is to give God the glory for helping me resist a very very very strong temptation. I had the dip in my basket and was headed towards the chips. I put the dip back and went in the opposite direction. Not by my power, but by the power within me.
Would you like to know what I did buy? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I bought Lean Pockets (6 points per serving), cucumbers, a bag of salad, 1% milk, diet bread, and diet sandwich thins. So there, God helped me save me from myself. Thank you, Lord, you have always had my back.
NO, I DID NOT DO IT. Praise be to God.
The reason for this post is to give God the glory for helping me resist a very very very strong temptation. I had the dip in my basket and was headed towards the chips. I put the dip back and went in the opposite direction. Not by my power, but by the power within me.
Would you like to know what I did buy? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I bought Lean Pockets (6 points per serving), cucumbers, a bag of salad, 1% milk, diet bread, and diet sandwich thins. So there, God helped me save me from myself. Thank you, Lord, you have always had my back.
Struggling
I got to the 41 pound weight loss this week. Hooray. Not a huge loss for this week, but still a loss. That is all good.
This week, so far though, I am struggling. Now, the battle for my body is starting up again. I am having cravings, want to eat junk food, missing things that I can't eat on this diet, etc. It has been a hard week, so far. I haven't succumbed to many temptations, and I still have 24 weekly points (you get 35) that I can use. I just don't like to dip into them. It is like a savings account. Once you start taking it out, you end up spending it all. I am going to need a strong helper this week. God is able. He is willing. He is there for me. I know all that. I am so grateful for all of that. I am trying to rely on Him alone. I have to admit, though, I am struggling for control this week. I have no idea why. I am my own worst enemy.
It is the typical thing with the angel on one shoulder and the evil one on the other shoulder. The angel says things to me like, "You are doing so great, don't give up now. Your momentum is going strong. You are averaging 2 pounds a week weight loss, you want to keep that up. God is with you through this." The evil shoulder thing says things like this to me, "Go ahead, you deserve to treat yourself. After all, you have been doing this for 20 weeks -- you need a break. A little mayonnaise couldn't possibly sabotage you. Go ahead, reward yourself -- indulge. It can't hurt. It is the beginning of the week, it won't show up on the scale next Saturday." Aargh!
Our sermon this week at church was "Break Free." I am trying to break free from my addiction to food. I am sure that God planned this series just for me. It is something that I need to hear. I am only human, and I am fragile. My won't power is not as strong this week as it has been.
I admit, I am weak. It is what has landed me here in the first place. If I could control myself, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. God is ever faithful, and I am so glad about that. I just feel like this week that I could possibly fail again. I don't want to. I don't want to disappoint God or myself. I am going to have to pray every single meal, every single snack, every single morsel. Maybe that is what God wants me to do anyway. I'll let you guys know how I get through this week. See ya.
This week, so far though, I am struggling. Now, the battle for my body is starting up again. I am having cravings, want to eat junk food, missing things that I can't eat on this diet, etc. It has been a hard week, so far. I haven't succumbed to many temptations, and I still have 24 weekly points (you get 35) that I can use. I just don't like to dip into them. It is like a savings account. Once you start taking it out, you end up spending it all. I am going to need a strong helper this week. God is able. He is willing. He is there for me. I know all that. I am so grateful for all of that. I am trying to rely on Him alone. I have to admit, though, I am struggling for control this week. I have no idea why. I am my own worst enemy.
It is the typical thing with the angel on one shoulder and the evil one on the other shoulder. The angel says things to me like, "You are doing so great, don't give up now. Your momentum is going strong. You are averaging 2 pounds a week weight loss, you want to keep that up. God is with you through this." The evil shoulder thing says things like this to me, "Go ahead, you deserve to treat yourself. After all, you have been doing this for 20 weeks -- you need a break. A little mayonnaise couldn't possibly sabotage you. Go ahead, reward yourself -- indulge. It can't hurt. It is the beginning of the week, it won't show up on the scale next Saturday." Aargh!
Our sermon this week at church was "Break Free." I am trying to break free from my addiction to food. I am sure that God planned this series just for me. It is something that I need to hear. I am only human, and I am fragile. My won't power is not as strong this week as it has been.
I admit, I am weak. It is what has landed me here in the first place. If I could control myself, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. God is ever faithful, and I am so glad about that. I just feel like this week that I could possibly fail again. I don't want to. I don't want to disappoint God or myself. I am going to have to pray every single meal, every single snack, every single morsel. Maybe that is what God wants me to do anyway. I'll let you guys know how I get through this week. See ya.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Another Weigh In Success
Well, last Saturday when I weighed in at Weight Watchers, I had lost another 2.8 pounds. For those of you counting, that is 40.6 pounds lost. I am seeing differences in my clothes, they are getting looser. They are still a big stretched out size, so I am not patting myself on the back too much--that can lead to rewards that I cannot have just now. When I meet a milestone, I reward myself with non-food things. A manicure, a new blouse, or some music from iTunes. Food awards I do not bestow.
Unfortunately though, pictures continue to frustrate me. Obviously, I have a better body image than the pictures show. Unfortunate for me, because I am stunned when I see pictures of me now. That woman in that picture is still enormous. Where exactly did I have those 40 pounds? My thighs for one. Enough said. But, they look much better now.
Anyway, my point of all this is not to beat myself up or denigrate my weight loss. It is to make myself aware that this is just the first third of this journey of weight loss. I have at least 85 more pounds to go. At least it isn't 125 anymore. Praise you, Lord for being with me throughout this process.
Unfortunately though, pictures continue to frustrate me. Obviously, I have a better body image than the pictures show. Unfortunate for me, because I am stunned when I see pictures of me now. That woman in that picture is still enormous. Where exactly did I have those 40 pounds? My thighs for one. Enough said. But, they look much better now.
Anyway, my point of all this is not to beat myself up or denigrate my weight loss. It is to make myself aware that this is just the first third of this journey of weight loss. I have at least 85 more pounds to go. At least it isn't 125 anymore. Praise you, Lord for being with me throughout this process.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Weigh-in
I lost 1.2 pounds this week. Not a great thing, because I hadn't weighed in two weeks, and I wasn't all that impressed with myself. It isn't a bad thing, however, because any weight loss is great. I am trying not to focus on the scale. It is a measurement, not a judgement. I weighed in on a scale that is notorious for not being right. We, at Weight Watchers, do not know for sure, but that scale closest to the door doesn't seem as good as the others--it seems to weigh heavier than the other two. I will avoid that scale next Saturday and hope for a better result from a different scale. From my mouth to God's ear. That is the plan. I know if I am following the plan, results will come.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Haven't been here in awhile...
Okay, I missed last week's weigh-in, so, this week when I went to weigh in, I had lost 5.2 pounds. A total of 35.6 pounds lost. I am happy. I am healthier. I am more able to do the things that I want to do. I feel better. I look better. I am finding stuff in my closet to wear that looks brand new because I got too fat to wear the clothes. So, I have a somewhat new bunch of clothes. Thank you, God for being so faithful and for helping me out with this so much.
Guess what? The other night we were out to dinner for our 40th Wedding Anniversary, and my husband offered to share some cole slaw with me and I said, "No, thanks, it has mayonnaise in it." Wow, those words rarely come out of this mouth. I love mayonnaise. I could eat it with a spoon. Also, he offered me a bite of his flounder, and I said this, "Are you kidding me? That is fried. I haven't had anything fried for over 4 months, I am surely not going to put it in my mouth today."
Just so you know, if I was going to eat something fried, it would be a potato, or an onion ring, certainly not fish. I am not done craving things, I just don't give in. Thank you, God, for the power to say, "No, thank you."
Something that I discovered since going on this weight loss journey. Your stomach doesn't really know what it is you ate--your mind is the only one that knows. When the stomach is full, it is full. It can be full of stuff that is good for you, or stuff that is not. That is the choice that I have to make every single meal, every single day.
And, before you think that I am being sanctimonious or smug or that I am patting myself on the back too much, let me say this, IT IS A STRUGGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY TO DENY MYSELF. I still want things that aren't on the diet plan, I still desire to eat stuff that I shouldn't. I still am fighting every single meal not to give in to temptation. I am not cured of the obesity bug, Me and God are just fighting it into remission. Go Us!
Guess what? The other night we were out to dinner for our 40th Wedding Anniversary, and my husband offered to share some cole slaw with me and I said, "No, thanks, it has mayonnaise in it." Wow, those words rarely come out of this mouth. I love mayonnaise. I could eat it with a spoon. Also, he offered me a bite of his flounder, and I said this, "Are you kidding me? That is fried. I haven't had anything fried for over 4 months, I am surely not going to put it in my mouth today."
Just so you know, if I was going to eat something fried, it would be a potato, or an onion ring, certainly not fish. I am not done craving things, I just don't give in. Thank you, God, for the power to say, "No, thank you."
Something that I discovered since going on this weight loss journey. Your stomach doesn't really know what it is you ate--your mind is the only one that knows. When the stomach is full, it is full. It can be full of stuff that is good for you, or stuff that is not. That is the choice that I have to make every single meal, every single day.
And, before you think that I am being sanctimonious or smug or that I am patting myself on the back too much, let me say this, IT IS A STRUGGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY TO DENY MYSELF. I still want things that aren't on the diet plan, I still desire to eat stuff that I shouldn't. I still am fighting every single meal not to give in to temptation. I am not cured of the obesity bug, Me and God are just fighting it into remission. Go Us!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Explanation
Okay. Here is a explanation about last week's cryptic post. I had a miserable weigh-in last week. The weigher said that I had gained 1.6 pounds. I was livid. I said to her. "How is that even possible?" She said, "Let me look at your tracker." I showed it to her and she proceeded to tell me all the things that I was doing wrong. I was doing this wrong, I was doing that wrong. I was wrong. Period. One of the highlights is that she said I wasn't eating my two teaspoons of oil every day. Seriously? Not eating two teaspoons of oil would cause me to gain weight. Are you kidding me?
Suffice to say, I was so pissed off I couldn't see straight. I cried on the way home. I don't cry about stuff like this. I was so mad. I couldn't talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it. Yet, I felt compelled to talk about it. I wanted to hide in a hole and not come out. I felt like I had failed. Again.
Honestly, I can truthfully say that for the 12 weeks that I have been on Weight Watchers, I have not cheated one single day. Did I want to cheat? Certainly. Did I want to eat everything in sight? Some days, I did. I have been hungry some days all day, but I don't want to be fat anymore.
You see, this isn't a walk that I walk alone. God is in this with me. I made a deal with God. He provides the strength, I provide the willingness to do what is right regarding my weight. Sounds simple enough. I ask for strength to resist temptation. He delivers strength. I ask for "won't power." He delivers it. I have plenty of "will power." I need to have won't power so that I won't eat like a person who doesn't need to watch her weight.
This week's weigh-in was very good. I lost 6.2 pounds for a toal of 29.6 pounds lost in 12 weeks. See, I told you I didn't deserve that weight gain.
The thing about me is this, though. The following week could have gone either way. Either I would be totally discouraged and give up and eat everything in sight, or I would be determined to show that lady that I so was NOT doing it wrong. I chose the latter. I re-read my materials, I revisited my journal of food consumption. I tightened my symbollic belt, and I did what I was supposed to do. I did not give up on myself.
You see, I don't want to disappoint God. I can disapoint myself. I can disappoint other people. I don't want to disappoint God again. He is my strength. My flesh is not loving this diet. My flesh wants mayonnaise and cheeseburgers and chips. My resolve refuses to give in. This isn't a strength that I have in myself. It is a strength I find through God. He is providing me with the resolve that I have. It is not me alone. I want to make that abundantly clear. I am not doing this by my own power.
See, I want to beat this sin of gluttony. I can only do that by trusting in the God that provides me with everything that I need. Not everything I want. My Weight Watchers leaders says this: "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got." I cannot eat whatever I like. I need to eat to live, not live to eat.
Thanks, God. Truly, I can't do this without You.
Suffice to say, I was so pissed off I couldn't see straight. I cried on the way home. I don't cry about stuff like this. I was so mad. I couldn't talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it. Yet, I felt compelled to talk about it. I wanted to hide in a hole and not come out. I felt like I had failed. Again.
Honestly, I can truthfully say that for the 12 weeks that I have been on Weight Watchers, I have not cheated one single day. Did I want to cheat? Certainly. Did I want to eat everything in sight? Some days, I did. I have been hungry some days all day, but I don't want to be fat anymore.
You see, this isn't a walk that I walk alone. God is in this with me. I made a deal with God. He provides the strength, I provide the willingness to do what is right regarding my weight. Sounds simple enough. I ask for strength to resist temptation. He delivers strength. I ask for "won't power." He delivers it. I have plenty of "will power." I need to have won't power so that I won't eat like a person who doesn't need to watch her weight.
This week's weigh-in was very good. I lost 6.2 pounds for a toal of 29.6 pounds lost in 12 weeks. See, I told you I didn't deserve that weight gain.
The thing about me is this, though. The following week could have gone either way. Either I would be totally discouraged and give up and eat everything in sight, or I would be determined to show that lady that I so was NOT doing it wrong. I chose the latter. I re-read my materials, I revisited my journal of food consumption. I tightened my symbollic belt, and I did what I was supposed to do. I did not give up on myself.
You see, I don't want to disappoint God. I can disapoint myself. I can disappoint other people. I don't want to disappoint God again. He is my strength. My flesh is not loving this diet. My flesh wants mayonnaise and cheeseburgers and chips. My resolve refuses to give in. This isn't a strength that I have in myself. It is a strength I find through God. He is providing me with the resolve that I have. It is not me alone. I want to make that abundantly clear. I am not doing this by my own power.
See, I want to beat this sin of gluttony. I can only do that by trusting in the God that provides me with everything that I need. Not everything I want. My Weight Watchers leaders says this: "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got." I cannot eat whatever I like. I need to eat to live, not live to eat.
Thanks, God. Truly, I can't do this without You.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Disappointed
Okay, this week's weigh in was not good. I am bitterly disappointed. That is all I have to say about it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Not so much
Okay, so I didn't enjoy weighing in this week. That is an understatement of how I was feeling. I only lost .8 of a pound. I told the weighing lady, "You have got to be kidding me." Alas, she was not. She went right into her speech -- "Now, you have to remember, you have lost a lot of weight, and many people in this room would trade you for your week's weight loss. You have to understand, you have to let your body catch up with it's weight loss." Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Sorry, but that doesn't cut it for me. My head was going to explode.
I did have steak the night before, and I will not do that again, and my diet buddies say that it could be a multitude of reasons for not losing my usual amount of weight. They are my friends. God love them for their encouragement.
I have lost a total of 25 pounds. That is nothing to be ashamed of, and I am proud of that accomplishment. I am not giving up. I am not discouraged. I am just not so much pleased with this week's paltry weight loss. I am not cheating. I am writing down what I eat. I am following the program. I am not happy with this week. I repeat, I am not happy with this week. Next week will be much better on the scale. My diet buddy promised me.
So, I got into a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in about a year. Yea! They are not "skinny" jeans by any stretch of the imagination, but that is still an accomplishment of sorts. They are still too tight, but they were worn anyway.
I must not use negative words to describe myself and my actions. I must think and act positively in order to maintain the correct mindset. God doesn't want me to talk bad about myself or others.
Anyway, I am still a loser, so I just needed to rant a little.
Thank you, God, for that .8 lb. weight loss. I couldn't have done it without You. Now, about next week...
I did have steak the night before, and I will not do that again, and my diet buddies say that it could be a multitude of reasons for not losing my usual amount of weight. They are my friends. God love them for their encouragement.
I have lost a total of 25 pounds. That is nothing to be ashamed of, and I am proud of that accomplishment. I am not giving up. I am not discouraged. I am just not so much pleased with this week's paltry weight loss. I am not cheating. I am writing down what I eat. I am following the program. I am not happy with this week. I repeat, I am not happy with this week. Next week will be much better on the scale. My diet buddy promised me.
So, I got into a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in about a year. Yea! They are not "skinny" jeans by any stretch of the imagination, but that is still an accomplishment of sorts. They are still too tight, but they were worn anyway.
I must not use negative words to describe myself and my actions. I must think and act positively in order to maintain the correct mindset. God doesn't want me to talk bad about myself or others.
Anyway, I am still a loser, so I just needed to rant a little.
Thank you, God, for that .8 lb. weight loss. I couldn't have done it without You. Now, about next week...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Better
This week's weigh-in was on Saturday, May 9th. I keep forgetting to post about it, and this week was twice as good as last week. I lost 2.8 lbs. -- a total of 24.2 pounds so far. Yay Me. I am very encouraged. I am not thinking about the total I need to lose, I am concentrating on getting through each week on program. I have been doing so well, I am afraid to celebrate my success. Usually, that means a slacking off period, or a "getting off the program" week. Thus far, that has not happened. I know me. I know me better than anyone. I cannot celebrate too much, because then I think I can get away with stuff that I know that I cannot do. God is helping me, but he doesn't slap the fork away from my mouth. Nor does He seal that chip bag so I can't get into it. What He does do is promise to be with me, and give me the strength to fight my worst enemy. Myself. Thank you, God, for being there for me. You always have been.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Still a Loser...
Well, I weighed in today at Weight Watchers. I lost 1.4 lbs. I wasn't happy with that. I wasn't disappointed, but I wasn't happy. I am still a loser, so I am continuing on the plan. I have lost 21.4 lbs. in 8 weeks, which is an average of 2.6 lbs. per week. I can live with that. I know it won't be easy, but I have to do this. I do not cheat, I do not eat what I don't write down, and I am working the plan. I am not able to do much exercising because of my knee replacements, and because I have plantar fasciitis. My feet hurt most of the time, so even walking is hard for me to do. Anyway, for someone that can't really work out much, I am doing quite well.
I give God the glory for this could not happen without His help. I am going to overcome my sin of gluttony, and come out of this thinner, and more healthy. Praise the Lord for my 1.4 lb. weight loss this week. I couldn't have done it without Him.
I give God the glory for this could not happen without His help. I am going to overcome my sin of gluttony, and come out of this thinner, and more healthy. Praise the Lord for my 1.4 lb. weight loss this week. I couldn't have done it without Him.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Update
I weighed in on Saturday. Lost another 2.8 pounds for a total of 18 pounds total lost. I am very encouraged. Thank you, Lord, for your help. I couldn't do it without You.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter 2009
Well, so many people are blogging about Easter, that I decided to do it, too.
As I reflect on the weekend of Easter, I find myself more and more thinking about all those people who accepted Jesus on Sunday. Yeah, the Easter Egg Drop draws them in to the church service, but Jesus draws them to Him. Those people are so lucky they chose to attend Waters Edge on Sunday. I was moved to tears by the many people who accepted Jesus in the service I attended. They no longer have to be alone in their struggles. They no longer have to worry about their place after death. They will be standing in front of their Saviour. I couldn't help but smile. I just love it when that happens.
By the way, The sermon was very powerful and the band was so good. I was so proud to be a part of that day. My part was tiny, but important, and I was glad to do it. I was impressed, as usual, by what that amazing staff of Waters Edge Church can accomplish. They are the most creative group that I have ever seen. I love my church.
As I reflect on the weekend of Easter, I find myself more and more thinking about all those people who accepted Jesus on Sunday. Yeah, the Easter Egg Drop draws them in to the church service, but Jesus draws them to Him. Those people are so lucky they chose to attend Waters Edge on Sunday. I was moved to tears by the many people who accepted Jesus in the service I attended. They no longer have to be alone in their struggles. They no longer have to worry about their place after death. They will be standing in front of their Saviour. I couldn't help but smile. I just love it when that happens.
By the way, The sermon was very powerful and the band was so good. I was so proud to be a part of that day. My part was tiny, but important, and I was glad to do it. I was impressed, as usual, by what that amazing staff of Waters Edge Church can accomplish. They are the most creative group that I have ever seen. I love my church.
Weight Success
Update on the weight loss saga. I have successfully lost 15.2 pounds thus far. Thanks be to God for giving me the strength to resist all the lovely food at Easter. I did really well staying in my points range. God is good.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Week 3
I weighed in on Saturday -- forgot to blog it. Down another 2.2 lbs. Successful week. I am doing quite well, I think. Praise the Lord.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Quotes
Here are some of the quotes I am seeing on the Weight Watchers message boards -- some are funny, some hit home, and some are just strange.
Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.
You can't change what's already happened, but you are in control of what happens next.
A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.
'We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.' – Aristotle
I'm almost there and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.
I’m taking this one meal at a time.
WW is not a sprint, but a marathon.
When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber
I am a work in progress. It is more stressful for me to continue being fat than to stop overeating.
Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth.
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
If I don't take care of my body, where will I live?
Looking ahead is a step forward, looking behind turns you around to where you were.
If you want to lose weight in order to change your life, you might first consider that you need to change your life in order to lose weight.
Discipline is the bridge between Goals and Accomplishments.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Unfortunately lots of food tastes better than being thin feels, that's how we all got here, but now we have to learn to make the right choices...
Do what you always did and get what you always got.
Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy. - Bill Blackman
This time I want to lose weight to FEEL good, not just LOOK good.
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." -- Sam Ewing
If the spotlight was shining on you, what would we see?
If it is to be, it is up to me.
It is never too late to be what you might have become.
"Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was." – Robert Louis Stevenson
If nothing changes...then nothing changes.
The highway to success is always under construction. There will potholes, detours, hills and valleys. As long as you stay on the highway. You'll get to where you are going.
Don't let today's lapse ruin tomorrow's goal.
Weight loss isn’t about who won the race. It's not about who gets there first, it's about who gets there and can maintain.
You don't have to do this forever. You just have to do it for today, everyday. - Kim Bensen~
'I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.' Phil 4:12-13
You have to let go of who you thought you were to discover who you really are.
"It's not who you think you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not.
Be committed, not just interested in losing weight, and it will work.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
The easiest thing to sell someone is a lie they want to believe.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Do, or do not.....there is no 'try'. (Yoda)
It's not how long it takes to lose the weight, but how long you keep it off.
A gain is feedback, not failure.
This is what I say to myself when I approach a buffet table--"Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"-Dory, Finding Nemo
There will always be another cheese ball.
What you eat in private shows in public.
You never fail unless you give up.
Change will not occur until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing.
Progress…NOT perfection.
Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you will land amongst the stars.
Life is about choices, good and bad. Learn from both.
There is no failure except in no longer trying.
Don't let today's lapse ruin tomorrow's goal.
Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance!
If I fail to plan, I plan to fail.
Journal it. Wipe your hands of it. And remember what Scarlett O'Hara said, "After all... tomorrow is another day."
Inside every obese person is a thinner person wondering: What the heck happened?
If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution.
Your body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what you write down...
Rather than aiming for being perfect, just aim to be a little better today than you were yesterday.
Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
You cannot change what's over, but only where you go.
My Goal is to be 'Results Not Typical'
What's the worst that can happen? If you can live with that, take the chance.
Being overweight is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Pick the hard you want to live with.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Keep trying, no one ever said it was going to be easy, only worth it.
Live your dreams....EXCEPT for the one where you’re naked in church.
Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.
You can't change what's already happened, but you are in control of what happens next.
A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.
'We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.' – Aristotle
I'm almost there and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.
I’m taking this one meal at a time.
WW is not a sprint, but a marathon.
When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber
I am a work in progress. It is more stressful for me to continue being fat than to stop overeating.
Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth.
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
If I don't take care of my body, where will I live?
Looking ahead is a step forward, looking behind turns you around to where you were.
If you want to lose weight in order to change your life, you might first consider that you need to change your life in order to lose weight.
Discipline is the bridge between Goals and Accomplishments.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Unfortunately lots of food tastes better than being thin feels, that's how we all got here, but now we have to learn to make the right choices...
Do what you always did and get what you always got.
Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy. - Bill Blackman
This time I want to lose weight to FEEL good, not just LOOK good.
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." -- Sam Ewing
If the spotlight was shining on you, what would we see?
If it is to be, it is up to me.
It is never too late to be what you might have become.
"Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was." – Robert Louis Stevenson
If nothing changes...then nothing changes.
The highway to success is always under construction. There will potholes, detours, hills and valleys. As long as you stay on the highway. You'll get to where you are going.
Don't let today's lapse ruin tomorrow's goal.
Weight loss isn’t about who won the race. It's not about who gets there first, it's about who gets there and can maintain.
You don't have to do this forever. You just have to do it for today, everyday. - Kim Bensen~
'I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.' Phil 4:12-13
You have to let go of who you thought you were to discover who you really are.
"It's not who you think you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not.
Be committed, not just interested in losing weight, and it will work.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
The easiest thing to sell someone is a lie they want to believe.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Do, or do not.....there is no 'try'. (Yoda)
It's not how long it takes to lose the weight, but how long you keep it off.
A gain is feedback, not failure.
This is what I say to myself when I approach a buffet table--"Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"-Dory, Finding Nemo
There will always be another cheese ball.
What you eat in private shows in public.
You never fail unless you give up.
Change will not occur until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing.
Progress…NOT perfection.
Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you will land amongst the stars.
Life is about choices, good and bad. Learn from both.
There is no failure except in no longer trying.
Don't let today's lapse ruin tomorrow's goal.
Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance!
If I fail to plan, I plan to fail.
Journal it. Wipe your hands of it. And remember what Scarlett O'Hara said, "After all... tomorrow is another day."
Inside every obese person is a thinner person wondering: What the heck happened?
If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution.
Your body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what you write down...
Rather than aiming for being perfect, just aim to be a little better today than you were yesterday.
Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
You cannot change what's over, but only where you go.
My Goal is to be 'Results Not Typical'
What's the worst that can happen? If you can live with that, take the chance.
Being overweight is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Pick the hard you want to live with.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Keep trying, no one ever said it was going to be easy, only worth it.
Live your dreams....EXCEPT for the one where you’re naked in church.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Week 2
I weighed in on Saturday morning. I lost 4.4 pounds. Not bad for a first week. I even ate breakfast before I left. Good for me.
This is week 2. I am as resolved as ever to work this program. My new friend from church has joined me in this endeavor. She started on Saturday. One of my daughters says she may join us at some point. I am glad for the support. You can never have enough support, or even too much support, when you are undertaking a task of this magnitude. My husband is very supportive of this effort, also. The more the merrier, I always say.
I had all of my grandchildren and my daughters over yesterday for the entire day (after church, of course). We had a great time. I love having them there. Sometimes, I wish we could all live in a commune so that we could be together more. I guess they might disagree, but I love being around them.
We played Monopoly. I haven't played it in years. I was bummed out by the fact that the dog wasn't one of the markers you could choose. What is that about? The dog is what I have always been. I ended up being something that looked like a fire extinguisher. I found out a few things playing the game. One, my eyesight isn't as good as it used to be, two, I can still figure out where someone will land without counting out the spaces, three, it is still a very long game. I have a new Monopoly game -- the Wizard of Oz edition. I do want to play it sometime. The baby was asleep in the room it was in, so we couldn't use that set. Maybe next time.
This is week 2. I am as resolved as ever to work this program. My new friend from church has joined me in this endeavor. She started on Saturday. One of my daughters says she may join us at some point. I am glad for the support. You can never have enough support, or even too much support, when you are undertaking a task of this magnitude. My husband is very supportive of this effort, also. The more the merrier, I always say.
I had all of my grandchildren and my daughters over yesterday for the entire day (after church, of course). We had a great time. I love having them there. Sometimes, I wish we could all live in a commune so that we could be together more. I guess they might disagree, but I love being around them.
We played Monopoly. I haven't played it in years. I was bummed out by the fact that the dog wasn't one of the markers you could choose. What is that about? The dog is what I have always been. I ended up being something that looked like a fire extinguisher. I found out a few things playing the game. One, my eyesight isn't as good as it used to be, two, I can still figure out where someone will land without counting out the spaces, three, it is still a very long game. I have a new Monopoly game -- the Wizard of Oz edition. I do want to play it sometime. The baby was asleep in the room it was in, so we couldn't use that set. Maybe next time.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Day 5
Don't worry. I have no intention of turning this blog into a diet journal. I do plan to blog about my progress, but I won't do it every single day or anything. It is the focus of my mind right now. I have to keep my head into this so that I don't fail. So, bear with me, and if you get sick of hearing about it. Just stop reading.
I just thought you might like to know that I have had an epiphany of sorts. I discovered today that even when I am alone, I am not alone. God is with me. Even when I don't realize it. I know it isn't a new thing that I just discovered, it is a well known truth that I am just making real to myself in regards to this dieting. It is not news to me, I have always known that God is with me. I just figured that He turned his head as far as my weight goes. I don't think that is true anymore. I feel that God is telling me that every single time I overeat, it hurts Him. Because I am making food my focus in my life instead of Him. Powerful stuff. Scary stuff. I have made a commitment to God and to myself to overcome this demon in my life.
I used to eat in secret. As often as I could and sometimes as much as I could. I was very good at sneaking food. It is a pitiful thing to have to admit, but one that I feel I need to bring out into the open. Yes, this has only been a diet of 5 days, but God is helping me in so many different ways. I share what I eat (meaning I tell and write down what I eat every day) with my husband. The old me would never do that. I would lie through my teeth to keep people from finding out what I was actually eating. Not a good thing to have to admit, I must say. Obviously, I ate much more than I should. You can look at me and tell that. That is not what I am getting at. What I am getting at is this... God knows exactly what I am doing all the time that I am doing it. He doesn't slap my hand and tell me to put that food down. Oh, no. I have free will, I can do or not do whatever i want. I am just as addicted to food as some are addicted to alcohol or drugs. It stops now.
Another thing that is true about me. I have to nearly starve myself in order to lose weight. The slightest cheating will bring on abysmal failure that week on the scale. Apparently, my body likes to hold on to every ounce of fat that I have. It is like it knows that I have cheated and it punishes me for the slightest infraction of the plan. I also have hypothyroidism. That means my thyroid isn't working. I take medication for the condition daily. It isn't the kind of thyroid problem that helps you lose weight, it helps you keep what you have. No excuse, however, because if I read it correctly, the medication is doing the work that the thyroid isn't. So, it stands to reason that it shouldn't hinder my dieting progress. From my mouth to God's ears. Anyway, I am dispelling all the reasons that I can't lose weight because I can do it. I just have to do it.
I was reading the message board about fellow dieters and one woman said this, "I finally lost 4.4 lbs. It took over a month of being on the program to accomplish this." Man, I pray that doesn't happen to me. I would like for the weight to just fall off, but I know that isn't realistic, nor is it healthy. I just want a steady decline on the scale. Is that too much to ask? I pray for myself every meal so that I have the strength to do what is right. When I think on things of Him instead of the food, then it seems easier to do what is right. So, my plan is this -- Follow the diet plan outlined in Weight Watchers, pray before every meal, pray more between meals so that I pick healthy and "allowable" snacks, praise God when I make it through the day without cheating, praise God whenever I lose even a single ounce, and pray some more to keep this resolve. With all that praying and help from God, then I won't fail. Sounds good to me.
I just thought you might like to know that I have had an epiphany of sorts. I discovered today that even when I am alone, I am not alone. God is with me. Even when I don't realize it. I know it isn't a new thing that I just discovered, it is a well known truth that I am just making real to myself in regards to this dieting. It is not news to me, I have always known that God is with me. I just figured that He turned his head as far as my weight goes. I don't think that is true anymore. I feel that God is telling me that every single time I overeat, it hurts Him. Because I am making food my focus in my life instead of Him. Powerful stuff. Scary stuff. I have made a commitment to God and to myself to overcome this demon in my life.
I used to eat in secret. As often as I could and sometimes as much as I could. I was very good at sneaking food. It is a pitiful thing to have to admit, but one that I feel I need to bring out into the open. Yes, this has only been a diet of 5 days, but God is helping me in so many different ways. I share what I eat (meaning I tell and write down what I eat every day) with my husband. The old me would never do that. I would lie through my teeth to keep people from finding out what I was actually eating. Not a good thing to have to admit, I must say. Obviously, I ate much more than I should. You can look at me and tell that. That is not what I am getting at. What I am getting at is this... God knows exactly what I am doing all the time that I am doing it. He doesn't slap my hand and tell me to put that food down. Oh, no. I have free will, I can do or not do whatever i want. I am just as addicted to food as some are addicted to alcohol or drugs. It stops now.
Another thing that is true about me. I have to nearly starve myself in order to lose weight. The slightest cheating will bring on abysmal failure that week on the scale. Apparently, my body likes to hold on to every ounce of fat that I have. It is like it knows that I have cheated and it punishes me for the slightest infraction of the plan. I also have hypothyroidism. That means my thyroid isn't working. I take medication for the condition daily. It isn't the kind of thyroid problem that helps you lose weight, it helps you keep what you have. No excuse, however, because if I read it correctly, the medication is doing the work that the thyroid isn't. So, it stands to reason that it shouldn't hinder my dieting progress. From my mouth to God's ears. Anyway, I am dispelling all the reasons that I can't lose weight because I can do it. I just have to do it.
I was reading the message board about fellow dieters and one woman said this, "I finally lost 4.4 lbs. It took over a month of being on the program to accomplish this." Man, I pray that doesn't happen to me. I would like for the weight to just fall off, but I know that isn't realistic, nor is it healthy. I just want a steady decline on the scale. Is that too much to ask? I pray for myself every meal so that I have the strength to do what is right. When I think on things of Him instead of the food, then it seems easier to do what is right. So, my plan is this -- Follow the diet plan outlined in Weight Watchers, pray before every meal, pray more between meals so that I pick healthy and "allowable" snacks, praise God when I make it through the day without cheating, praise God whenever I lose even a single ounce, and pray some more to keep this resolve. With all that praying and help from God, then I won't fail. Sounds good to me.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dieting
Well, I am taking a break. After consuming a delicious 1/2 cup of sugar free Black Cherry gelatin with zero points, I am basking in the warmth of a full tummy. NOT. Not even close. In my former self, I would never have considered eating black cherry gelatin -- who would choose to eat that? I eat it now because it is allowed. Actually, nothing is not allowed on Weight Watchers -- everything is allowed, but everything has points -- and therein lies the rub.
My whole thought process about my food is changing. I have to think of everything I eat in relation to how many points that the food has. No longer am I able to just eat it because it looks good, or because I want it, or because I am bored, etc. I can only eat it if it is low in points because I only have so many points a day, and I don't want to waste them frivolously. Priorities, you know.
I keep thinking, with all the sacrifices I am making, I should be able to tell that I am losing weight, right? Well, it has only been 4 days of sacrifice, so nothing has changed yet. I do not enjoy this process called dieting. I am having headaches every single day. I am sure it is my lack of calories. This cannot be good. It could also be the weather and allergies, but who really knows?
Don't worry, I have no intention of abandoning my diet. For heaven's sake, I just started. I just like to complain and I talk about it incessantly. Isn't that what a blog is for? To get things off your chest? Well, this is my forum to journal the ups and downs of this diet. Feel free to abandon me whenever you want. I know it isn't interesting to everyone and quite possibly, to no one.
Anyway, I plan on shrinking as these days crawl by. Nothing about denial is fun. Nothing about being overweight is fun, either, so I have to persevere.
Simple enough.
My whole thought process about my food is changing. I have to think of everything I eat in relation to how many points that the food has. No longer am I able to just eat it because it looks good, or because I want it, or because I am bored, etc. I can only eat it if it is low in points because I only have so many points a day, and I don't want to waste them frivolously. Priorities, you know.
I keep thinking, with all the sacrifices I am making, I should be able to tell that I am losing weight, right? Well, it has only been 4 days of sacrifice, so nothing has changed yet. I do not enjoy this process called dieting. I am having headaches every single day. I am sure it is my lack of calories. This cannot be good. It could also be the weather and allergies, but who really knows?
Don't worry, I have no intention of abandoning my diet. For heaven's sake, I just started. I just like to complain and I talk about it incessantly. Isn't that what a blog is for? To get things off your chest? Well, this is my forum to journal the ups and downs of this diet. Feel free to abandon me whenever you want. I know it isn't interesting to everyone and quite possibly, to no one.
Anyway, I plan on shrinking as these days crawl by. Nothing about denial is fun. Nothing about being overweight is fun, either, so I have to persevere.
Simple enough.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Accountability
Ok, I have made the commitment. I joined Weight Watchers on Saturday. I know, I have done this before. All I can say is this, I am going to do a weight loss program again because I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren get married.
I went to the Doctor last week and she said I was really close to having to be on blood pressure medicine. Now, I have always maintained that if my health depended on it, I would certainly have the will to lose weight. The reality of it is this, I need to lose weight if I want to live to be a really old eccentric person. I watched my mother's health problems for years, and she was very obese. Most of her problems were weight related. She didn't lose the weight. She died. Simple enough.
My mother died in 2006 and on Jan. 1 of 2007, I started on the Atkins plan. I was on Atkins for about a year and lost a bunch of weight. Once I went off of it and tried to maintain the weight loss, I was fighting a losing battle. Carbs are just too good. It is a simple fact. So, here it is 2009 and I am fat AGAIN. I am doing Weight Watchers because it has regular food and carbs. I need control in my life. I want to lose weight. I just have to want it more than I want other things. I pray for God to give me the strength and the won't power to get this done. I have plenty of will power when it comes to food (I will eat whatever I want, whenever I want), I just don't have won't power (I won't eat this because I want to lose weight). I want to feel better about myself. I want to be able to have a grandchild and a book on my lap at the same time. Please, God, hear my prayer. My daughter said the other day, "Overeating is a sin." I want to conquer this sin in my life.
So, the point of this blog is to make me accountable to myself to do the program and lose the weight. Simple enough.
I went to the Doctor last week and she said I was really close to having to be on blood pressure medicine. Now, I have always maintained that if my health depended on it, I would certainly have the will to lose weight. The reality of it is this, I need to lose weight if I want to live to be a really old eccentric person. I watched my mother's health problems for years, and she was very obese. Most of her problems were weight related. She didn't lose the weight. She died. Simple enough.
My mother died in 2006 and on Jan. 1 of 2007, I started on the Atkins plan. I was on Atkins for about a year and lost a bunch of weight. Once I went off of it and tried to maintain the weight loss, I was fighting a losing battle. Carbs are just too good. It is a simple fact. So, here it is 2009 and I am fat AGAIN. I am doing Weight Watchers because it has regular food and carbs. I need control in my life. I want to lose weight. I just have to want it more than I want other things. I pray for God to give me the strength and the won't power to get this done. I have plenty of will power when it comes to food (I will eat whatever I want, whenever I want), I just don't have won't power (I won't eat this because I want to lose weight). I want to feel better about myself. I want to be able to have a grandchild and a book on my lap at the same time. Please, God, hear my prayer. My daughter said the other day, "Overeating is a sin." I want to conquer this sin in my life.
So, the point of this blog is to make me accountable to myself to do the program and lose the weight. Simple enough.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
New Computer
I researched online and in the stores. I made my mind up and got an HP 6700f desktop PC for what I think was a very good value. I love it. It is very fast, and even makes my internet seem faster. I researched Windows Vista and discovered, as you know, that it has two choices -- 64 bit and 32 bit. Whatever did that mean? Well, it actually means very little to one that just uses the computer for regular stuff. It means very much to a professional gamer who needs lots of memory and hard drive space. My computer has 4 GB of RAM, a 500 GB hard drive, the Vista 64 bit, and it has a quad-core processor. Sounds intimidating, doesn't it? Well, it isn't. It just means that I can do more stuff simultaneously than I did before. Simple, really. I was so worried about it for nothing. I just don't like to change from something I know to something unknown.
I like all the bells and whistles that comes with Windows Vista. That said, I was very hesitant to get a new computer because I was afraid of Widows Vista. It is just different. It is totally great. Now, I have only had it for 3 days, so I have much to learn, but what I needed to have is there (it just looks a little different), what I wanted to have is there, and my printer and scanner went in flawlessly and work great with the new machine. What was I afraid of?
I wasn't really afraid afraid. You know what I mean. I like things to be the same. I like predictability, and I like what I know. There is satisfaction in knowing how something works and being good at working it. It is like that in life, also. I am afraid to rock the boat, to do something different for fear of failure. Windows Vista has a bad rep, but, honestly, I found it to be very entertaining and very pretty. I think, sometimes, we need to be forced to do something totally different every once in awhile to show ourselves that change can be good. Just because it has "always been this way," doesn't mean it would be bad to change it up a little.
I like all the bells and whistles that comes with Windows Vista. That said, I was very hesitant to get a new computer because I was afraid of Widows Vista. It is just different. It is totally great. Now, I have only had it for 3 days, so I have much to learn, but what I needed to have is there (it just looks a little different), what I wanted to have is there, and my printer and scanner went in flawlessly and work great with the new machine. What was I afraid of?
I wasn't really afraid afraid. You know what I mean. I like things to be the same. I like predictability, and I like what I know. There is satisfaction in knowing how something works and being good at working it. It is like that in life, also. I am afraid to rock the boat, to do something different for fear of failure. Windows Vista has a bad rep, but, honestly, I found it to be very entertaining and very pretty. I think, sometimes, we need to be forced to do something totally different every once in awhile to show ourselves that change can be good. Just because it has "always been this way," doesn't mean it would be bad to change it up a little.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Computer Disaster
Yes, another one. This one is truly catastrophic. My computer has ended its life. Something about the motherboard, processor, or whatever horrible thing could make the computer completely unusable. How terribly inconvenient. I have had the computer for almost 5 years, and it served me well. It had been having issues for awhile - I guess I should have better heeded its warnings a little closer. I thought it was the hard drive, but I am assured that the hard drive is fine and all will be able to be saved from it.
You know, you hear about "backing up" all the time. It is most mindful when the computer stops working and you are faced with losing all of your data. I am good at backing up most of the time. I have a system. Unfortunately, my system sometimes fails because I am human, and I do procrastinate. I checked my backups just this week after I thought my hard drive was fried and discovered that I didn't back up as often as I thought I did or know that I should have. It isn't hard, really, you just have to do it. I just didn't. Thankfully, my hard drive is salvageable, so it won't be a big problem. I will implement my new back up procedure with all diligence once I get my new computer. At least, that is what I tell myself. Whatever helps me sleep at night.
I didn't realize how much I used my home computer until it was gone. I randomly used it for:
Downloading pictures from my camera
Picture editing (cropping, red eye removal, etc.)
downloading pictures to the internet
using the screen saver for a "digital photo album"
facebook
myspace
I played games
the grandchildren used it for playing games
email
recipe printing
googling stuff
web surfing
my husband used it for his work
occasionally for my job
Whew. I did know that I used it, I just didn't realize how dependent I am on it. I don't like not having it. Now, I have to shop around for a new one. I am so confused by all the options. I used to be pretty computer savvy, but alas, time has not been good to my memory. I don't know the difference between 64-bit and 32-bit Windows Vista. I have heard bad things about Vista. My peripherals might not work with Vista. How can I guard against that? This would certainly be a pain in the butt if my printer and my scanner won't work with my new computer. I can't really afford a new computer right now, but I enjoy having a computer in my house. I'm working out a deal with my husband. So many decisions. I'll let you know what I come up with.
You know, you hear about "backing up" all the time. It is most mindful when the computer stops working and you are faced with losing all of your data. I am good at backing up most of the time. I have a system. Unfortunately, my system sometimes fails because I am human, and I do procrastinate. I checked my backups just this week after I thought my hard drive was fried and discovered that I didn't back up as often as I thought I did or know that I should have. It isn't hard, really, you just have to do it. I just didn't. Thankfully, my hard drive is salvageable, so it won't be a big problem. I will implement my new back up procedure with all diligence once I get my new computer. At least, that is what I tell myself. Whatever helps me sleep at night.
I didn't realize how much I used my home computer until it was gone. I randomly used it for:
Downloading pictures from my camera
Picture editing (cropping, red eye removal, etc.)
downloading pictures to the internet
using the screen saver for a "digital photo album"
myspace
I played games
the grandchildren used it for playing games
recipe printing
googling stuff
web surfing
my husband used it for his work
occasionally for my job
Whew. I did know that I used it, I just didn't realize how dependent I am on it. I don't like not having it. Now, I have to shop around for a new one. I am so confused by all the options. I used to be pretty computer savvy, but alas, time has not been good to my memory. I don't know the difference between 64-bit and 32-bit Windows Vista. I have heard bad things about Vista. My peripherals might not work with Vista. How can I guard against that? This would certainly be a pain in the butt if my printer and my scanner won't work with my new computer. I can't really afford a new computer right now, but I enjoy having a computer in my house. I'm working out a deal with my husband. So many decisions. I'll let you know what I come up with.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The New Year
Well, we are officially well into the new year. I have no resolutions to report. I am woefully unable to keep goals alive. I just maintain as good as I can. I would like to jump back onto the diet wagon, but I am just getting too heavy to jump anymore. Just joking. I do intend to keep resolutions, I really do, I just know myself and I am not going to kid myself anymore. I am too old for that.
Anyway, as this new year begins, I am reminded of things that I would like to do differently this year:
honor my husband
lift up my husband
love my family more
enjoy the little things in life
enjoy the big things in life
lift up my daughters
honor my daughters
be less critical of others
lift up my grandchildren
honor my grandchildren
be available to my friends
make time for my friends
eat sensibly
take my medications consistently
pray more
complain less
forgive more
blame less
That is about it. I hope that I can manage all this. Hey, wait. If I pray more, then God will help me with this list. How cool is that?
Anyway, as this new year begins, I am reminded of things that I would like to do differently this year:
honor my husband
lift up my husband
love my family more
enjoy the little things in life
enjoy the big things in life
lift up my daughters
honor my daughters
be less critical of others
lift up my grandchildren
honor my grandchildren
be available to my friends
make time for my friends
eat sensibly
take my medications consistently
pray more
complain less
forgive more
blame less
That is about it. I hope that I can manage all this. Hey, wait. If I pray more, then God will help me with this list. How cool is that?
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