Thanksgiving. One of my favorite holidays. No gifts. Wonderful day with family and friends. You are lucky when your favorite people are your family. I am lucky. We have a very close family. We are welcoming a new addition to our family. Not a baby, but a wife for my very dear nephew. I am so happy for them. We are going to have a wedding shower for them the day after Thanksgiving. Two parties with the same people in two days. Does it get any better than that? I never get tired of those people.
Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks for all of our blessings.
I thank God for:
Jesus
my husband
my children
my grandchildren
my friends that are my family
my friends that aren't my family
my church
my health
Praise God! It is a wonderful time of year!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Changes
This week, I found out that our completely wonderful Director of Kids at Waters Edge Church is leaving us. I was bummed at first, because, honestly, I don't care for change that much. Anyway, once I heard the excitement in her voice and learned that she was going to be closer to her own family, I was ecstatic for her. I was away from home for nine years, and never did adjust. I am a homebody. I love my family and I love where I live. I love my church. I was just not happy not being with those things that I hold dear. I had a few friends in the other place, but it wasn't the same. I was not at all sad to move back home.
So, go with God, my new friend and I pray that good things follow. I am happy for you and your family.
So, go with God, my new friend and I pray that good things follow. I am happy for you and your family.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thoughts about my Mother
Recently at church (during the boring announcement part -- not the good stuff), I was trying to remember what ring I had inherited from my mother when she died. I couldn't get my brain to pull out a memory of that ring. I was confused because it hasn't been all that long since she died, so it shouldn't have been that hard to remember. I finally did remember it and when I got home after church, I decided to wear it for a few days to remind me of her. I am not afraid that I will forget her because she isn't someone you forget. I can tell you this, no matter what kind of mother you have, you will miss her when she is gone. Just go home and hug your Mom today and let her know how you feel about her before it is too late, and honestly, you will never know when it is too late until it is. Don't put it off. Trust me on this.
I don't have any regrets about that part, my last words to my mom were, "I love you." Had I known that it would be my last conversation with her, I wonder what I would have said different. Would we have talked about something else besides her health? Would we have had an indepth conversation about all the things I wanted to talk about, but never did? Probably not. She was consumed by her ailments. They were many and she wasn't well, but still, I wasn't prepared for her to die. I don't know if you are ever prepared when someone you love dies. It always takes your breath away, but I wasn't prepared for the depth of emotions that were unleashed by her death. I knew that I would miss her after she died because she was my mother, but I wasn't prepared to miss her every single day with an ache that is completely indescribable. I have talked about it with friends and family and I have come to believe that what I am missing so much is not only my mother as a person, but the opportunity that I will never have now to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I craved -- one that we did not have. She loved me, I have no doubt about that, and I guess I wanted her to be something that she wasn't capable of being. I don't know if I can put it into words. This longing for parental love that I missed so much. I hope that my daughters never feel this ache. I hope that they get from me what they need from me so that there will be no regrets when I pass on and if they aren't getting what they need from me, I hope that they tell me so I can fix it before it is too late.
I don't have any regrets about that part, my last words to my mom were, "I love you." Had I known that it would be my last conversation with her, I wonder what I would have said different. Would we have talked about something else besides her health? Would we have had an indepth conversation about all the things I wanted to talk about, but never did? Probably not. She was consumed by her ailments. They were many and she wasn't well, but still, I wasn't prepared for her to die. I don't know if you are ever prepared when someone you love dies. It always takes your breath away, but I wasn't prepared for the depth of emotions that were unleashed by her death. I knew that I would miss her after she died because she was my mother, but I wasn't prepared to miss her every single day with an ache that is completely indescribable. I have talked about it with friends and family and I have come to believe that what I am missing so much is not only my mother as a person, but the opportunity that I will never have now to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I craved -- one that we did not have. She loved me, I have no doubt about that, and I guess I wanted her to be something that she wasn't capable of being. I don't know if I can put it into words. This longing for parental love that I missed so much. I hope that my daughters never feel this ache. I hope that they get from me what they need from me so that there will be no regrets when I pass on and if they aren't getting what they need from me, I hope that they tell me so I can fix it before it is too late.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Vulnerability
I read a blog the other day that got me to thinking some deep thoughts. Everyone keeps parts of themselves to themselves. It is human nature to only want to show the positive stuff to our family, friends, and aquaintances. I know of no one who is ready to be stripped bare for everyone to see everything inside them. It is a scary proposition. Vulnerability is a scary thing.
It's very definition:
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.
See all the possibilities? Wound, hurt, moral attack, criticism, tempation, open to assault. Being vulnerable is not for sissies.
That is why I believe our human nature enables us to put up invisible walls that persons cannot get through. It is kind of like being a superhero, except without the cape and cool uniform and all. Invisible walls protect our psyche, protect our heart, protect our mind, protect our very soul. We only allow people to see what we want them to see. A persona of sorts. One for every occasion. I do it. I have a "work" persona, a "church" persona, a "family" persona, etc. I act and do things differently in each of those situations. Some are more like the real me than others, but rarely do I let the total "me" out of the box. I don't know if I ever have, really.
It is no secret that most people have stuff in their past they want to forget. Mine is no different. I had not so hot parents -- totally not so hot step parents -- family alcoholism, etc. It goes on and on, but I truly believe with all of my heart that if I hadn't of had the life that I did, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. My parental units did not get up everyday and say, "Wonder what I can do to screw with my kids today." They did the best they could. Their best just wasn't good enough. No one's is. Our best is Jesus Christ. He is our best. Thank God that my heavenly Father is the one that leads me now.
That old cliche about "What does not kill you will only make you stronger" is a bunch of hooey. Maybe whatever it is doesn't kill you, but sometimes, it makes you weak. Sometimes, yes, it does make you stronger, but mostly, it makes you wary. Wary of strangers, wary of intimacy, wary of your abilities, wary of lots of stuff. It is only through God's eyes that we can be seen perfectly for who we are, not who we pretend to be. God sees all and knows all. You can't hide yourself from God.
It is a good thing that we all can experience God's Grace. He can forgive us and see us in our bare, naked selves and not be ashamed of us. He knew me then, He knows me now, and He loves me still, somehow. I cling to that.
It's very definition:
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.
See all the possibilities? Wound, hurt, moral attack, criticism, tempation, open to assault. Being vulnerable is not for sissies.
That is why I believe our human nature enables us to put up invisible walls that persons cannot get through. It is kind of like being a superhero, except without the cape and cool uniform and all. Invisible walls protect our psyche, protect our heart, protect our mind, protect our very soul. We only allow people to see what we want them to see. A persona of sorts. One for every occasion. I do it. I have a "work" persona, a "church" persona, a "family" persona, etc. I act and do things differently in each of those situations. Some are more like the real me than others, but rarely do I let the total "me" out of the box. I don't know if I ever have, really.
It is no secret that most people have stuff in their past they want to forget. Mine is no different. I had not so hot parents -- totally not so hot step parents -- family alcoholism, etc. It goes on and on, but I truly believe with all of my heart that if I hadn't of had the life that I did, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. My parental units did not get up everyday and say, "Wonder what I can do to screw with my kids today." They did the best they could. Their best just wasn't good enough. No one's is. Our best is Jesus Christ. He is our best. Thank God that my heavenly Father is the one that leads me now.
That old cliche about "What does not kill you will only make you stronger" is a bunch of hooey. Maybe whatever it is doesn't kill you, but sometimes, it makes you weak. Sometimes, yes, it does make you stronger, but mostly, it makes you wary. Wary of strangers, wary of intimacy, wary of your abilities, wary of lots of stuff. It is only through God's eyes that we can be seen perfectly for who we are, not who we pretend to be. God sees all and knows all. You can't hide yourself from God.
It is a good thing that we all can experience God's Grace. He can forgive us and see us in our bare, naked selves and not be ashamed of us. He knew me then, He knows me now, and He loves me still, somehow. I cling to that.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Voting
Today I voted. I feel like this is an important thing to do. I guess lots of people will blog about voting today. It only took about 15 minutes--those election officials in my voting district sure do know their stuff. Very organized. I guess I was lucky, but I would have waited for hours for the privilege. I used to take things like this for granted, but no more. Voting is something special and it is something we should all take very seriously. So, if you haven't already -- get out and vote!
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