Well, I have lost a beloved Aunt to death. I loved her very much, even though I didn't see her often. She is a part of my childhood. She loved me when it seemed like no one else did. She was sweet and kind to me. She took care of me when my own mother was incapable of taking care of anyone. She used to say to me, "I sure do love you. I have loved you since you were a little bitty thing." This is true. She has always maintained that she loved me. She was never shy about telling me what a good girl I was when I was younger. She was a very kind person.
My Aunt Lucille. She moved a couple of years ago, so I hadn't seen her in ages. I will still miss her very much. My picture of her will always be with a smile on her face and a paper towel wrapped can in her hand. Her family is one of the few on my side of the family that I consider "close." I love that side of the family, but closeness isn't an adjective that I would use to characterize my relatives. My relatives are close knit among their immediate families, but no so much with the rest of us. (Not like my husband's side of the family - I would rather spend time with them than with anyone - I am very close to them.) Everyone loves at their own level. Not everyone loves well.
My cousins from Aunt Lucille are very precious to me. Peggy and Patty and Larry. They were good parts of my childhood. I remember them coming over a lot and playing games with us outside. We were together a lot. I am so sorry for their loss. I am sorry for my loss. I have a hard time talking about it. It follows too close on the heels of my mother-in-law. I still ache from missing her.
I would appreciate it if my family would stop dying for awhile. I am overwhelmed with sadness, once again. It brings back all kinds of melancholy. I feel things very deeply, I just don't always show it on the outside.
I pray for God to give them the peace that they will need in the coming months. It is hard to function normally and mourn. It feels like life should stop going on for just a little while. Thank you, God, for allowing my Aunt Lucille to be part of my life.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day
It is nice to be a mother. I love my daughters so much. It is nice to be a grandmother, too. Very nice.
I got to see every single one of my grandchildren and both my girls and their husbands on this Mother's Day. I greatly missed the mothers that I used to have, but it was a great day, even still.
The weather was perfect, the company was excellent, and the food was quite delicious. I was very tired after that cook-out, but it was worth it - I chalk that up to my advancing age. Hearing the kids laughing and playing - that is such a delight to me. The kids were outside most of the day. They were in the kayak, going for a boat ride, paddling the paddle boat, crabbing, catching minnows, playing in the hammock, running and playing. It was so nice to see and hear. My girls used to do the same things in this same yard. I loved being with all of them.
It was a good day.
I got to see every single one of my grandchildren and both my girls and their husbands on this Mother's Day. I greatly missed the mothers that I used to have, but it was a great day, even still.
The weather was perfect, the company was excellent, and the food was quite delicious. I was very tired after that cook-out, but it was worth it - I chalk that up to my advancing age. Hearing the kids laughing and playing - that is such a delight to me. The kids were outside most of the day. They were in the kayak, going for a boat ride, paddling the paddle boat, crabbing, catching minnows, playing in the hammock, running and playing. It was so nice to see and hear. My girls used to do the same things in this same yard. I loved being with all of them.
It was a good day.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Mothers, or the lack thereof
Sad to say, but I am having a bit of a pity party for myself. This will be the very first time in my entire life that I will have no kind of mother in my life. It is so weird.
My own mother passed away a few years ago, my stepmother has been gone for many years, and my husband's mother (Paw) passed away in March. So, I am out of mothers. I have no mother. He has no mother. It makes me sad in ways that I am not fully understanding. I am a grown-up. I am a mother. My daughters are mothers. But, it still stands. I have no mother. Of any sort.
I have no mother at all. Not even an in-law mother. It feels really weird to not have anyone at all to buy a card for, or a flower for, or anything for. I haven't had a father or father-in-law for many years, but it didn't make me as nostalgic as this does. The first father's day that passed without either of them wasn't as hard or sad as this holiday is. I guess it is because I had a stepfather until a few years ago. I am bereft without my mother and my mother-in-law. I am weepy and very sad about this. I know it can't be changed, I know it will get easier with time, but in some ways, I don't want it to become easier. I want to not forget what it was like to have them around.
I feel the need to tell everyone that God made your mother just for you. God wants you to honor your mother. No matter what kind of mother you have. He didn't say to honor your mother if she deserves it. He just said honor your mother. Honor her. Honor as a verb is defined as such: to respect, worship or accept someone or something. To accept someone. Hmmm...
It doesn't matter that she won't be the best mother in the world, she won't be the kindest mother in the world, she won't be the prettiest mother in the world, she won't be the fairest mother in the world, she may not even be close to first in the mother of the year contest - but hear this - you only get one mother of your very own. I was so lucky that God gave me the mother-in-law that I got. I lucked out with her. She was such a dear soul. I miss her every single day. She stepped it up when I lost my biological mother. She was there in ways that my mother had never been.
I had a tumultuous childhood to say the least. My mother was not always there for me. Hardly ever there, to be truthful. There I said it. She wasn't there for me. My parents divorced when I was very young. Times were different. Times were hard. Times were not conducive to co-parenting like they are in today's world. Suffice to say, I was longing for a mother like I read about in stories. One that would braid my hair, talk to me about stuff, be my confidant, be my anchor, be my mother. Instead, I got a stepmother that wasn't all sweetness and light. I didn't see much of my mother when I was young, and it wasn't always her fault. I used to blame my mother for many of my failings. That I didn't have a good enough role model. The fact is, I got what I got. My favorite saying is "It is what it is." It is. Nothing can change the way she was. I finally got that through my thick skull and was able to accept her for what she really was, with all her flaws and everything. Then she went away again. This time for good. At least for now. I still long for the relationship that I wish I had with her.
This year marked the first Easter without a mother. This year marks the first Mother's day without a mother of any sort. This year will bring many many holidays without them. It just seems so strange. Kind of surreal. I don't much like it. I, like many others, took my mother and my mother-in-law for granted. I know that I didn't go to see them as often as I should have. I didn't call them as much as I should have. I just thought I would have more time than I did. Death isn't final. I get that. I will see them again in eternity. What is final, though, is that I won't see my mothers anymore on this earth. The earth is where I live. The earth is where I miss them.
Go hug your mom. You will really miss her when she isn't there anymore.
My own mother passed away a few years ago, my stepmother has been gone for many years, and my husband's mother (Paw) passed away in March. So, I am out of mothers. I have no mother. He has no mother. It makes me sad in ways that I am not fully understanding. I am a grown-up. I am a mother. My daughters are mothers. But, it still stands. I have no mother. Of any sort.
I have no mother at all. Not even an in-law mother. It feels really weird to not have anyone at all to buy a card for, or a flower for, or anything for. I haven't had a father or father-in-law for many years, but it didn't make me as nostalgic as this does. The first father's day that passed without either of them wasn't as hard or sad as this holiday is. I guess it is because I had a stepfather until a few years ago. I am bereft without my mother and my mother-in-law. I am weepy and very sad about this. I know it can't be changed, I know it will get easier with time, but in some ways, I don't want it to become easier. I want to not forget what it was like to have them around.
I feel the need to tell everyone that God made your mother just for you. God wants you to honor your mother. No matter what kind of mother you have. He didn't say to honor your mother if she deserves it. He just said honor your mother. Honor her. Honor as a verb is defined as such: to respect, worship or accept someone or something. To accept someone. Hmmm...
It doesn't matter that she won't be the best mother in the world, she won't be the kindest mother in the world, she won't be the prettiest mother in the world, she won't be the fairest mother in the world, she may not even be close to first in the mother of the year contest - but hear this - you only get one mother of your very own. I was so lucky that God gave me the mother-in-law that I got. I lucked out with her. She was such a dear soul. I miss her every single day. She stepped it up when I lost my biological mother. She was there in ways that my mother had never been.
I had a tumultuous childhood to say the least. My mother was not always there for me. Hardly ever there, to be truthful. There I said it. She wasn't there for me. My parents divorced when I was very young. Times were different. Times were hard. Times were not conducive to co-parenting like they are in today's world. Suffice to say, I was longing for a mother like I read about in stories. One that would braid my hair, talk to me about stuff, be my confidant, be my anchor, be my mother. Instead, I got a stepmother that wasn't all sweetness and light. I didn't see much of my mother when I was young, and it wasn't always her fault. I used to blame my mother for many of my failings. That I didn't have a good enough role model. The fact is, I got what I got. My favorite saying is "It is what it is." It is. Nothing can change the way she was. I finally got that through my thick skull and was able to accept her for what she really was, with all her flaws and everything. Then she went away again. This time for good. At least for now. I still long for the relationship that I wish I had with her.
This year marked the first Easter without a mother. This year marks the first Mother's day without a mother of any sort. This year will bring many many holidays without them. It just seems so strange. Kind of surreal. I don't much like it. I, like many others, took my mother and my mother-in-law for granted. I know that I didn't go to see them as often as I should have. I didn't call them as much as I should have. I just thought I would have more time than I did. Death isn't final. I get that. I will see them again in eternity. What is final, though, is that I won't see my mothers anymore on this earth. The earth is where I live. The earth is where I miss them.
Go hug your mom. You will really miss her when she isn't there anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)