Well, my littlest granddaughter is here. And, I mean littlest.
Happiness on the one hand, and terror on the other. My beautiful little granddaughter. My daughter fighting for her life.
You see, my oldest child almost lost her life giving life to this wee little baby. I am still stunned by that fact. She almost died. I owe the lives of both of my daughters to the grace of God and Sentara Norfolk General Hospital. This narrative has a happy ending, but the middle is the hard part.
Beginning. My oldest child is pregnant again. We are cautiously optimistic. She has had several very hard pregnancies. We are fraught with anxiety. She goes for the ultrasound because she is of advanced maternal age. The ultrasound says it is twins! Wow, what a surprise. I am expecting my 9th and 10th grandchild. Oh my!
Middle. Sometime later, we get devastating news. One of the twins has stopped developing and is not going to make it. Sadness overwhelms me. I cannot explain how much this news devastated me. I could barely contain my tears for weeks. I still think of that little baby even now and how much I miss it. I know the pain this causes Chris and John.
Chris is having trouble carrying this last baby of hers. She develops a seborrheaic hemorrhage condition. Wow. Disturbing diagnosis that I have never even heard of. Apparently, other people have had these and their babies were born just fine. It is when a spot in the uterus starts bleeding. It can cause miscarriage at the worst. She spent most of the summer on bed rest. She had to stay in her room flat on her back for most of the time. Then it would let up. Then the bleeding would come again. Stop and start. Start and stop. Kind of like my heart. It is so hard to watch your child (no matter how old they are) suffering. Chris wants this last baby so badly.
The doctors let her off of bed rest because it doesn't seem to be helping with the bleeding anyway. She bleeds more. All this time, the baby inside is rocking and rolling with it. She is unfazed by all these catastrophes. She's got this.
Then she develops placenta previa. Good grief. Really? That is disturbing because it sometimes causes premature delivery. A Cesarean section was planned anyway, but now it is definitely the only way to go.
Then one day, the doctors said this. Go home, live your life as normally as you can, you are no longer in danger - your pregnancy is now routine. They didn't see any more signs of disaster. She should be routine from now on out.
Well, the very next day, Chris started having contractions and her water breaks. She is 26 weeks pregnant. She went to the hospital. They were going to keep her for about 6 weeks until the baby can be born at 32 weeks at the earliest. They wanted to keep the baby in there until 35 weeks, but realistically, they were aiming for 32. Well, she didn't quite make it that far. Nora Elizabeth Jean Carter was born at 28 weeks. She weighed 2 lbs. 14 oz. She was 15 inches long. She is perfect in every way.
Nora has amazed everyone with her progress. From the first day, she has not needed any medical intervention whatsoever. They used a cannula for the first day or two, but then they found out that Nora could tolerate room air. She is being fed through a tube in her nose because she doesn't know how to feed yet. She is our little warrior princess. She is "light years ahead" of where the NICU nurses expected her to be at her gestational age. She is our champion. We are all in love with that wee little baby.
My daughter had to have an emergency hysterectomy as well as the c-section. She is bleeding to death. She is in critical condition and has no idea that her little girl is even alive. We are called to the hospital in the very early hours of Monday morning. Praying constantly. Making nice with the visitors who come to hold vigil. If she doesn't stop bleeding, she will die. John (her husband) decides to post on Facebook that his wife is in critical condition and we need prayer immediately for Chris.
The prayer warriors begin praying and my baby girl begins getting better. They do a procedure where the insert gel into her femoral arteries to stop the bleeding. Praise the Lord, it works. Chris ended up needing 30 units of blood. She was on a ventilator. She is still alive. Thanks be to God for his grace! She asks about Nora and she wants to see pictures. She had to pass a few "tests" for them to take the ventilator tube out of her lungs. She does well. You see, I thought that if she would just wake up, she would realize that she needed to fight to stay alive for her children. That is what happened. Prayer warriors begin praying. God intervenes. He lets my child live so she can mother her own children. I will be forever grateful for this. I am humbled and thankful.
So, Chris does so well that they let her come home. She is sore and weary, but she also misses her home and her other children. We have been holding down the fort. It seems that it takes many more people than we thought to replace Chris. She is amazing.
She seems to be doing great. Then the unthinkable happens. She gets an infection. She goes back into the hospital. She is given a good prognosis. She has a Urinary Tract Infection and a hematoma where her uterus used to be. The trick is to not let the infection get to that hematoma. The hematoma is a normal "complication." So is the UTI, because of the length of time she had the catheter in. She was throwing up and had fever. I was sick with worry. Tears abound. My little girl is sick again. She can't take much more.
God prevails. The IV antibiotics and fever reducers are working. Thanks be to God! She is feeling better. They are keeping her a few days to make sure nothing else comes up. Please God, don't let anything else happen to my girl.
On a very positive note, Miss Nora is now 3 lbs. 4.6 oz. and is doing spectacularly. Now if we can only get her Momma to follow her example. I pray that this is the end of the complications and now she has to just heal and get better and better every day.
My lesson in all of this is that no matter what, we aren't guaranteed life. No one is. It is God's grace that allows us to live. So, love your people. Make sure that they know you love them. Make sure that you don't let petty things affect your relationships. There is no time for that. Forgive more easily. Don't let yourself be so easily offended. Don't let some misunderstanding or hurt feelings keep you from your people. Enjoy your family. You never know what tomorrow might bring. You never know when the last time you see them will be.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Nora Elizabeth Jean
What a difference a couple of weeks make.
The last time I was here, I was in worry mode about my newest granddaughter to be. She was in a high risk pregnancy and in danger.
All of that has changed. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. My daughter's pregnancy is not considered high risk anymore. The Vasa Previa (or whatever it was) has disappeared. While she still has placenta previa, it is much less risky by itself than the other one with it. She will still be delivered by cesearean section, but that was going to happen anyway. We will just trust the doctors and God to make sure she is delivered safely.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is this. God is Good. God is Great. I praise the Lord for all the blessings my family has received. Nora is a much anticipated, much prayed for, much loved little girl already, and I haven't even met her. I am now at liberty to be happy and excited about her birth. I can now shop without worries about her safety and imminent danger. So I can relax. Her granddaddy can relax. Her Mom and Dad can relax. Her Aunties can relax. Shew. Glad she is so healthy and progressing normally now.
I love all of my grandchildren. I wouldn't know what to do without them. They are such a blessing to me, and I appreciate them so much.
Thanks for looking out for Nora, God. You did good!
The last time I was here, I was in worry mode about my newest granddaughter to be. She was in a high risk pregnancy and in danger.
All of that has changed. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. My daughter's pregnancy is not considered high risk anymore. The Vasa Previa (or whatever it was) has disappeared. While she still has placenta previa, it is much less risky by itself than the other one with it. She will still be delivered by cesearean section, but that was going to happen anyway. We will just trust the doctors and God to make sure she is delivered safely.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is this. God is Good. God is Great. I praise the Lord for all the blessings my family has received. Nora is a much anticipated, much prayed for, much loved little girl already, and I haven't even met her. I am now at liberty to be happy and excited about her birth. I can now shop without worries about her safety and imminent danger. So I can relax. Her granddaddy can relax. Her Mom and Dad can relax. Her Aunties can relax. Shew. Glad she is so healthy and progressing normally now.
I love all of my grandchildren. I wouldn't know what to do without them. They are such a blessing to me, and I appreciate them so much.
Thanks for looking out for Nora, God. You did good!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ezra
He came about 3 weeks early. He weighed in at 8 lbs. 1 oz. Very nice sized little guy. He has red hair and blue eyes (so far). Bethany's littlest baby. He is quite the little prince. We all ooh and aah about him, and he has probably already received 10,000 kisses. We all welcome him into our lives, and we didn't even know how much we loved him until we met him. His sisters love him with no bounds. They think he hung the moon. He is snuggley and he loves to be warm. He doesn't care for fans blowing, and he likes his formula warm. So little, yet so opinionated already.
He is precious. As are all of my grandchildren. There is nothing like them.
Clairey
Claire Victoria Marie Carter. Wow. What a little spitfire she is. I love this little girl so much. I think she is funny. I think she is way beyond smart. I know I am prejudiced, but she is incredibly bright. She isn't even 2 yet, and she barely talks (though, she is talking more and more each day), but she communicates so well. She tells us stories. She speaks Claireish. We don't always know what she is saying, but when she acts out a story, you understand what she is trying to say. She just uses her own words. Her own made up words. She is brave and fearless. She is very busy. I love nothing more than to hear her say, "Meema. Come on." She wants me to follow her wherever she takes me. I love how she loves me. She treats me like I am her favorite. I love that.
She has a delightful smile. Even as small as she is, she has a sense of humor. She loves to laugh. She is a wonder to behold. She didn't start out that way. She started out her little self as a screaming thrashing newborn. She wasn't happy at first, but she has made up for her rocky start by becoming a funny toddler. Now, this is not to say that she doesn't throw tantrums. She does. She is hilarious doing that, even when she is mad as all get out. She stomps her feet, she furrows her little brows, and she hollers out stuff that only she understands. She throws things. We love her in spite of all of that.
I can hardly wait to meet her new baby sister in the new year. Claire's mom is having a girl in January 2013, if not before. The new baby will be called Nora Elizabeth Jean. Such treasures are my grandchildren. Each and every one of them is so different. Each and every one of them is a blessing.
I pray that God will protect them every single day and that He will be with them all the days of their lives. I have that promise. I have that assurance. He is the heavenly father, and He loves them more than I do.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Personal Decisions
If something you choose to do is a "personal decision," then why bring it up on facebook? That makes it not "personal."
Political discussions are a lesson in futility. Religious affiliations are just that - affiliations. Changing some one's mind about cloth diapers will not happen one way or another. Your way isn't the only way. Either you do or you don't subscribe to either side of any given topic. This isn't rocket science, people.
If someone asks your opinion, give it. If they don't ask you for it, don't give it just because you can. While I may not agree with your stance, I have no right to try to force my own decision down your throat. If you ask me about it, I will tell you. If you don't ask, I don't feel it necessary to harangue you in print about your choices. Live and let live.
Pray for people you feel are making the wrong choices. Your opinion isn't the only opinion and it may not necessarily be the popular opinion, but it is yours and you are entitled to it. I feel more and more adamant every single day that nobody really wants to hear negativity about something they have already decided to do. They only want support. If you can't support them, so be it. You can still love them. You can still pray for them. You can still be their friend. Just disagreeing on a subject does not mean you write off the entire person because of it.
Everyone has their own opinions and beliefs and it is quite possible that you won't be able to change their mind. Just leave it at that. Jesus wants us to love our fellow man. Period.
Political discussions are a lesson in futility. Religious affiliations are just that - affiliations. Changing some one's mind about cloth diapers will not happen one way or another. Your way isn't the only way. Either you do or you don't subscribe to either side of any given topic. This isn't rocket science, people.
If someone asks your opinion, give it. If they don't ask you for it, don't give it just because you can. While I may not agree with your stance, I have no right to try to force my own decision down your throat. If you ask me about it, I will tell you. If you don't ask, I don't feel it necessary to harangue you in print about your choices. Live and let live.
Pray for people you feel are making the wrong choices. Your opinion isn't the only opinion and it may not necessarily be the popular opinion, but it is yours and you are entitled to it. I feel more and more adamant every single day that nobody really wants to hear negativity about something they have already decided to do. They only want support. If you can't support them, so be it. You can still love them. You can still pray for them. You can still be their friend. Just disagreeing on a subject does not mean you write off the entire person because of it.
Everyone has their own opinions and beliefs and it is quite possible that you won't be able to change their mind. Just leave it at that. Jesus wants us to love our fellow man. Period.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sadness Again
It has taken me awhile to blog about this because I was so mad about it. You see, my daughter lost one of her twins. Baby B. Baby A is doing fine and I should be happy about that. I am happy about that. BUT, I am still mad about Baby B. I have been so certain that whatever else was going on with the uterine hemorrhage, that God would honor my daughter and let her keep her babies. I had complete peace about it. This will probably be her last pregnancy. Apparently, God had other ideas. I have no idea why He didn't let her carry Baby B to delivery, but I have every assurance that he is in heaven with Jesus. I have no idea why He does allow stuff like this to happen. My daughter wanted these twins so much. Even if seems so unfair, the bottom line is this - No matter what happens, God is good all the time. His ways are not our ways. He knows how this life will play out. I am good with that.
I am allowed to be mad about Baby B. He allows my feeble attempt at being mad and throwing a temper tantrum because He knows me better than I know myself. I still honor God. I still love Jesus. I am still filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that my anger will wear itself out, I know that God will comfort me even when I act like a spoiled brat.
You don't stop loving your children just because they behave badly. He loves me still, He always will. I have that eternal assurance. He allows me to have my temper tantrums because He knows that ultimately, I will behave better because He lives inside my heart. God is good.
My three parts of my nuclear family have been broken in some way for a few weeks. My husband got a knee infection and had surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics (that he administered himself through a PICC line) and housebound for about the last two weeks. My oldest child lost her twin and has been on bed rest for her pregnancy for about 6 weeks. She is amazing in her faith. My youngest daughter is now facing pre-pre eclampsia. She is on bed rest, too, and has a very positive attitude. Only for a few more days will she be on bed rest. She is scheduled to deliver her little boy on Monday. I can barely wait to see his little face. Things are starting to turn around for all three of them. I am so glad and thankful to Jesus that they are in His care.
You see, no matter what I am going through, I realize and recognize that God has my family in the palm of His hands. He will let nothing happen that He isn't in control of. Even my bad temper. Forgive me, Lord. I know you have my back. You always have. You always will.
I am allowed to be mad about Baby B. He allows my feeble attempt at being mad and throwing a temper tantrum because He knows me better than I know myself. I still honor God. I still love Jesus. I am still filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that my anger will wear itself out, I know that God will comfort me even when I act like a spoiled brat.
You don't stop loving your children just because they behave badly. He loves me still, He always will. I have that eternal assurance. He allows me to have my temper tantrums because He knows that ultimately, I will behave better because He lives inside my heart. God is good.
My three parts of my nuclear family have been broken in some way for a few weeks. My husband got a knee infection and had surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics (that he administered himself through a PICC line) and housebound for about the last two weeks. My oldest child lost her twin and has been on bed rest for her pregnancy for about 6 weeks. She is amazing in her faith. My youngest daughter is now facing pre-pre eclampsia. She is on bed rest, too, and has a very positive attitude. Only for a few more days will she be on bed rest. She is scheduled to deliver her little boy on Monday. I can barely wait to see his little face. Things are starting to turn around for all three of them. I am so glad and thankful to Jesus that they are in His care.
You see, no matter what I am going through, I realize and recognize that God has my family in the palm of His hands. He will let nothing happen that He isn't in control of. Even my bad temper. Forgive me, Lord. I know you have my back. You always have. You always will.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
8 - 9 - 10...
Well, it is official and I can now announce to the tiny world of my blog and say that my 39 year old daughter is having twins. She will be 40 when they are born. She is on bedrest for some sort of hemorrhage in her uterus that may or may not affect the pregnancy. As old as I am, and as many pregnancies I know about, I have never heard of this condition.
She is undeniably bored of being in her room. Luckily, her husband is home for the summer because he is a teacher. She has teenagers, two little ones, and a big house that needs looking after. Her husband is a good man. He is holding his own there. I am thankful he is in her life. We are so looking forward to these two wee ones due in January. We just have to be patient and wait until we can find out if we get one boy and one girl, or two boys, or two girls, and if they are fraternal or identical. So many things to look forward to.
My babiest girl is having her son on August 13th. For those of you that know me, know that these little ones will be my numbers 8, 9, and 10. Whew. I am going from 7 to 10 grandchildren in a matter of months. That is a lot of grandbabies. I love them all fiercely (born and unborn).
I'll tell you what. Having the stress of carrying concern about my daughters pregnancies is draining. I can happily say that it would be much worse if I didn't know that God is good and He is in control of my grandchildren. I know I can trust Him. I know that I can count on Him, no matter what happens. I know he has blessed me with seven other grandchildren that are nearly perfect.
I am concerned about my babiest daughter because of her past experience with her first pregnancy with her firstborn daughter. She had a lot of issues that I have expounded upon previously, so I won't bore you with that again. That said, I am a bit nervous about her delivery, not because I don't trust in God to get her through, but because my flesh won't let me not be nervous. I know without the grace of God, she would not be here today. I so praise Him for taking such good care of her the first time. I was so helpless. I trust Him to be with her through this birth as well.
Anyway, I don't want to dwell on that. I want to dwell on the fact that he is a boy baby. We have only had one other boy baby and that one is now 15 years old. How did that happen? Shew. Time flies.
I am excited to meet this little guy. His sisters prayed for him to come into their family. God does answer prayers. He will be an answered prayer. They asked for a baby brother, not just a baby. When we went for the ultrasound to find out the gender of him, I knew he was a boy because that is what his sisters prayed for. They each, in different grades at school with different teachers as well, wrote their Christmas wish for God to give them a baby brother. And he did. Do you realize how that will grow their faith in God? To know that He cares so much for them? I am usually wrong when guessing gender, but I was pretty sure that God would give those little girls the baby brother they had been praying for. And He did.
Anyway, my cup overflows with love for these children that I haven't even met yet.
She is undeniably bored of being in her room. Luckily, her husband is home for the summer because he is a teacher. She has teenagers, two little ones, and a big house that needs looking after. Her husband is a good man. He is holding his own there. I am thankful he is in her life. We are so looking forward to these two wee ones due in January. We just have to be patient and wait until we can find out if we get one boy and one girl, or two boys, or two girls, and if they are fraternal or identical. So many things to look forward to.
My babiest girl is having her son on August 13th. For those of you that know me, know that these little ones will be my numbers 8, 9, and 10. Whew. I am going from 7 to 10 grandchildren in a matter of months. That is a lot of grandbabies. I love them all fiercely (born and unborn).
I'll tell you what. Having the stress of carrying concern about my daughters pregnancies is draining. I can happily say that it would be much worse if I didn't know that God is good and He is in control of my grandchildren. I know I can trust Him. I know that I can count on Him, no matter what happens. I know he has blessed me with seven other grandchildren that are nearly perfect.
I am concerned about my babiest daughter because of her past experience with her first pregnancy with her firstborn daughter. She had a lot of issues that I have expounded upon previously, so I won't bore you with that again. That said, I am a bit nervous about her delivery, not because I don't trust in God to get her through, but because my flesh won't let me not be nervous. I know without the grace of God, she would not be here today. I so praise Him for taking such good care of her the first time. I was so helpless. I trust Him to be with her through this birth as well.
Anyway, I don't want to dwell on that. I want to dwell on the fact that he is a boy baby. We have only had one other boy baby and that one is now 15 years old. How did that happen? Shew. Time flies.
I am excited to meet this little guy. His sisters prayed for him to come into their family. God does answer prayers. He will be an answered prayer. They asked for a baby brother, not just a baby. When we went for the ultrasound to find out the gender of him, I knew he was a boy because that is what his sisters prayed for. They each, in different grades at school with different teachers as well, wrote their Christmas wish for God to give them a baby brother. And he did. Do you realize how that will grow their faith in God? To know that He cares so much for them? I am usually wrong when guessing gender, but I was pretty sure that God would give those little girls the baby brother they had been praying for. And He did.
Anyway, my cup overflows with love for these children that I haven't even met yet.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Another One Gone
Well, I have lost a beloved Aunt to death. I loved her very much, even though I didn't see her often. She is a part of my childhood. She loved me when it seemed like no one else did. She was sweet and kind to me. She took care of me when my own mother was incapable of taking care of anyone. She used to say to me, "I sure do love you. I have loved you since you were a little bitty thing." This is true. She has always maintained that she loved me. She was never shy about telling me what a good girl I was when I was younger. She was a very kind person.
My Aunt Lucille. She moved a couple of years ago, so I hadn't seen her in ages. I will still miss her very much. My picture of her will always be with a smile on her face and a paper towel wrapped can in her hand. Her family is one of the few on my side of the family that I consider "close." I love that side of the family, but closeness isn't an adjective that I would use to characterize my relatives. My relatives are close knit among their immediate families, but no so much with the rest of us. (Not like my husband's side of the family - I would rather spend time with them than with anyone - I am very close to them.) Everyone loves at their own level. Not everyone loves well.
My cousins from Aunt Lucille are very precious to me. Peggy and Patty and Larry. They were good parts of my childhood. I remember them coming over a lot and playing games with us outside. We were together a lot. I am so sorry for their loss. I am sorry for my loss. I have a hard time talking about it. It follows too close on the heels of my mother-in-law. I still ache from missing her.
I would appreciate it if my family would stop dying for awhile. I am overwhelmed with sadness, once again. It brings back all kinds of melancholy. I feel things very deeply, I just don't always show it on the outside.
I pray for God to give them the peace that they will need in the coming months. It is hard to function normally and mourn. It feels like life should stop going on for just a little while. Thank you, God, for allowing my Aunt Lucille to be part of my life.
My Aunt Lucille. She moved a couple of years ago, so I hadn't seen her in ages. I will still miss her very much. My picture of her will always be with a smile on her face and a paper towel wrapped can in her hand. Her family is one of the few on my side of the family that I consider "close." I love that side of the family, but closeness isn't an adjective that I would use to characterize my relatives. My relatives are close knit among their immediate families, but no so much with the rest of us. (Not like my husband's side of the family - I would rather spend time with them than with anyone - I am very close to them.) Everyone loves at their own level. Not everyone loves well.
My cousins from Aunt Lucille are very precious to me. Peggy and Patty and Larry. They were good parts of my childhood. I remember them coming over a lot and playing games with us outside. We were together a lot. I am so sorry for their loss. I am sorry for my loss. I have a hard time talking about it. It follows too close on the heels of my mother-in-law. I still ache from missing her.
I would appreciate it if my family would stop dying for awhile. I am overwhelmed with sadness, once again. It brings back all kinds of melancholy. I feel things very deeply, I just don't always show it on the outside.
I pray for God to give them the peace that they will need in the coming months. It is hard to function normally and mourn. It feels like life should stop going on for just a little while. Thank you, God, for allowing my Aunt Lucille to be part of my life.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day
It is nice to be a mother. I love my daughters so much. It is nice to be a grandmother, too. Very nice.
I got to see every single one of my grandchildren and both my girls and their husbands on this Mother's Day. I greatly missed the mothers that I used to have, but it was a great day, even still.
The weather was perfect, the company was excellent, and the food was quite delicious. I was very tired after that cook-out, but it was worth it - I chalk that up to my advancing age. Hearing the kids laughing and playing - that is such a delight to me. The kids were outside most of the day. They were in the kayak, going for a boat ride, paddling the paddle boat, crabbing, catching minnows, playing in the hammock, running and playing. It was so nice to see and hear. My girls used to do the same things in this same yard. I loved being with all of them.
It was a good day.
I got to see every single one of my grandchildren and both my girls and their husbands on this Mother's Day. I greatly missed the mothers that I used to have, but it was a great day, even still.
The weather was perfect, the company was excellent, and the food was quite delicious. I was very tired after that cook-out, but it was worth it - I chalk that up to my advancing age. Hearing the kids laughing and playing - that is such a delight to me. The kids were outside most of the day. They were in the kayak, going for a boat ride, paddling the paddle boat, crabbing, catching minnows, playing in the hammock, running and playing. It was so nice to see and hear. My girls used to do the same things in this same yard. I loved being with all of them.
It was a good day.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Mothers, or the lack thereof
Sad to say, but I am having a bit of a pity party for myself. This will be the very first time in my entire life that I will have no kind of mother in my life. It is so weird.
My own mother passed away a few years ago, my stepmother has been gone for many years, and my husband's mother (Paw) passed away in March. So, I am out of mothers. I have no mother. He has no mother. It makes me sad in ways that I am not fully understanding. I am a grown-up. I am a mother. My daughters are mothers. But, it still stands. I have no mother. Of any sort.
I have no mother at all. Not even an in-law mother. It feels really weird to not have anyone at all to buy a card for, or a flower for, or anything for. I haven't had a father or father-in-law for many years, but it didn't make me as nostalgic as this does. The first father's day that passed without either of them wasn't as hard or sad as this holiday is. I guess it is because I had a stepfather until a few years ago. I am bereft without my mother and my mother-in-law. I am weepy and very sad about this. I know it can't be changed, I know it will get easier with time, but in some ways, I don't want it to become easier. I want to not forget what it was like to have them around.
I feel the need to tell everyone that God made your mother just for you. God wants you to honor your mother. No matter what kind of mother you have. He didn't say to honor your mother if she deserves it. He just said honor your mother. Honor her. Honor as a verb is defined as such: to respect, worship or accept someone or something. To accept someone. Hmmm...
It doesn't matter that she won't be the best mother in the world, she won't be the kindest mother in the world, she won't be the prettiest mother in the world, she won't be the fairest mother in the world, she may not even be close to first in the mother of the year contest - but hear this - you only get one mother of your very own. I was so lucky that God gave me the mother-in-law that I got. I lucked out with her. She was such a dear soul. I miss her every single day. She stepped it up when I lost my biological mother. She was there in ways that my mother had never been.
I had a tumultuous childhood to say the least. My mother was not always there for me. Hardly ever there, to be truthful. There I said it. She wasn't there for me. My parents divorced when I was very young. Times were different. Times were hard. Times were not conducive to co-parenting like they are in today's world. Suffice to say, I was longing for a mother like I read about in stories. One that would braid my hair, talk to me about stuff, be my confidant, be my anchor, be my mother. Instead, I got a stepmother that wasn't all sweetness and light. I didn't see much of my mother when I was young, and it wasn't always her fault. I used to blame my mother for many of my failings. That I didn't have a good enough role model. The fact is, I got what I got. My favorite saying is "It is what it is." It is. Nothing can change the way she was. I finally got that through my thick skull and was able to accept her for what she really was, with all her flaws and everything. Then she went away again. This time for good. At least for now. I still long for the relationship that I wish I had with her.
This year marked the first Easter without a mother. This year marks the first Mother's day without a mother of any sort. This year will bring many many holidays without them. It just seems so strange. Kind of surreal. I don't much like it. I, like many others, took my mother and my mother-in-law for granted. I know that I didn't go to see them as often as I should have. I didn't call them as much as I should have. I just thought I would have more time than I did. Death isn't final. I get that. I will see them again in eternity. What is final, though, is that I won't see my mothers anymore on this earth. The earth is where I live. The earth is where I miss them.
Go hug your mom. You will really miss her when she isn't there anymore.
My own mother passed away a few years ago, my stepmother has been gone for many years, and my husband's mother (Paw) passed away in March. So, I am out of mothers. I have no mother. He has no mother. It makes me sad in ways that I am not fully understanding. I am a grown-up. I am a mother. My daughters are mothers. But, it still stands. I have no mother. Of any sort.
I have no mother at all. Not even an in-law mother. It feels really weird to not have anyone at all to buy a card for, or a flower for, or anything for. I haven't had a father or father-in-law for many years, but it didn't make me as nostalgic as this does. The first father's day that passed without either of them wasn't as hard or sad as this holiday is. I guess it is because I had a stepfather until a few years ago. I am bereft without my mother and my mother-in-law. I am weepy and very sad about this. I know it can't be changed, I know it will get easier with time, but in some ways, I don't want it to become easier. I want to not forget what it was like to have them around.
I feel the need to tell everyone that God made your mother just for you. God wants you to honor your mother. No matter what kind of mother you have. He didn't say to honor your mother if she deserves it. He just said honor your mother. Honor her. Honor as a verb is defined as such: to respect, worship or accept someone or something. To accept someone. Hmmm...
It doesn't matter that she won't be the best mother in the world, she won't be the kindest mother in the world, she won't be the prettiest mother in the world, she won't be the fairest mother in the world, she may not even be close to first in the mother of the year contest - but hear this - you only get one mother of your very own. I was so lucky that God gave me the mother-in-law that I got. I lucked out with her. She was such a dear soul. I miss her every single day. She stepped it up when I lost my biological mother. She was there in ways that my mother had never been.
I had a tumultuous childhood to say the least. My mother was not always there for me. Hardly ever there, to be truthful. There I said it. She wasn't there for me. My parents divorced when I was very young. Times were different. Times were hard. Times were not conducive to co-parenting like they are in today's world. Suffice to say, I was longing for a mother like I read about in stories. One that would braid my hair, talk to me about stuff, be my confidant, be my anchor, be my mother. Instead, I got a stepmother that wasn't all sweetness and light. I didn't see much of my mother when I was young, and it wasn't always her fault. I used to blame my mother for many of my failings. That I didn't have a good enough role model. The fact is, I got what I got. My favorite saying is "It is what it is." It is. Nothing can change the way she was. I finally got that through my thick skull and was able to accept her for what she really was, with all her flaws and everything. Then she went away again. This time for good. At least for now. I still long for the relationship that I wish I had with her.
This year marked the first Easter without a mother. This year marks the first Mother's day without a mother of any sort. This year will bring many many holidays without them. It just seems so strange. Kind of surreal. I don't much like it. I, like many others, took my mother and my mother-in-law for granted. I know that I didn't go to see them as often as I should have. I didn't call them as much as I should have. I just thought I would have more time than I did. Death isn't final. I get that. I will see them again in eternity. What is final, though, is that I won't see my mothers anymore on this earth. The earth is where I live. The earth is where I miss them.
Go hug your mom. You will really miss her when she isn't there anymore.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
First One Without Her
I love Easter. I love it because of the ressurection of Jesus Christ. He rose! He lives!
I love the pretty clothes, I love the kids in their new outfits and shoes. I love the egg hunts and the excitement of the kids when they dive into those plastic eggs, hoping to get the cross and win a "prize." I love it because we get together with my most favorite people in the whole world. Our family. We eat, we parade, we sit around and talk. We just be together.
This year, however, we face our first holiday get together without our precious Paw. I am struggling with this fact. I can barely contain my tears when I think about it. Our first holiday without her. I can barely remember a holiday without her in it. I miss her every single day. I write this through my tears. I am choked up. Literally.
I know that sometimes it was a pain to have to spend the night at her house in order to take care of her. I know that sometimes I resented having to drop everything to tend to her. I know that sometimes I was short tempered because of circumstances. But, I never resented HER. I love her with a love that transcends her being my mother-in-law. She was a mother to me, a good friend, my counselor, my muse, my role model, my spiritual advisor. She was a lot of things to me. A burden - no, not ever. It was kind of like your children. You are aggravated a lot by them, but you wouldn't want them gone. I feel the same way about her. No matter whether or not you expect the passing, you are never ready for the reality of it.
She has always given her all to us without much complaint. She was a good mother, a good grandmother, a good wife. She blessed me with her uncomplaining ways. She taught me so much by example. She was never still. She needed a lot of care at the end days of her life. She didn't like the fact that she was so dependent on others. She who had always been the rock of the family. The matriarch.
At the end, I went over several times a week and just sat with her and held her hand while she slept and I prayed and prayed. I would stroke her cheek. I would sing softly to her. Sometimes I would lay my head on her pillow and just be with her. Remembering how vital she once was. How much she gave to us. I prayed that she wouldn't have to go hard. I prayed that her going would be easy. That she would just fall asleep and wake up in the arms of Jesus. I believe that is what happened. Amy says that she checked on her just a couple of hours before she found her gone, and she was peaceful. She said she didn't hear anything on the monitor to cause any kind of desperation. I believe that she went to sleep and awoke in the arms of Jesus. I thank you, God, for allowing it to be like that.
I don't want her to be gone, but the fact is, Jesus came and got her. She needed to go. She wanted to go. Her quality of life wasn't good. She was weary. She was in pain. She stopped eating and drinking. I know that she is not suffering anymore, that she is dancing and praising God in Heaven. I know all of these things in my head. But, my heart is still heavy. I miss her. I know how selfish that sounds.
Losing someone you love is always hard. The little kids that were so close to her are having it rough, too. They don't know what to do with the grief. They don't understand why it hurts so much when you know she is better off now. You want to be happy that she is in Heaven, and you are happy about that part. It is the leaving us that is the unhappy part. She left a Paw-sized hole in our lives.
I don't know how it is going to feel to go into that house and celebrate without her. I just don't know. The emotions will run high, I imagine. The tears will well up. Life will go on. We will do our traditional things and draw closer together because of her.
That is the way she would have wanted it.
I love the pretty clothes, I love the kids in their new outfits and shoes. I love the egg hunts and the excitement of the kids when they dive into those plastic eggs, hoping to get the cross and win a "prize." I love it because we get together with my most favorite people in the whole world. Our family. We eat, we parade, we sit around and talk. We just be together.
This year, however, we face our first holiday get together without our precious Paw. I am struggling with this fact. I can barely contain my tears when I think about it. Our first holiday without her. I can barely remember a holiday without her in it. I miss her every single day. I write this through my tears. I am choked up. Literally.
I know that sometimes it was a pain to have to spend the night at her house in order to take care of her. I know that sometimes I resented having to drop everything to tend to her. I know that sometimes I was short tempered because of circumstances. But, I never resented HER. I love her with a love that transcends her being my mother-in-law. She was a mother to me, a good friend, my counselor, my muse, my role model, my spiritual advisor. She was a lot of things to me. A burden - no, not ever. It was kind of like your children. You are aggravated a lot by them, but you wouldn't want them gone. I feel the same way about her. No matter whether or not you expect the passing, you are never ready for the reality of it.
She has always given her all to us without much complaint. She was a good mother, a good grandmother, a good wife. She blessed me with her uncomplaining ways. She taught me so much by example. She was never still. She needed a lot of care at the end days of her life. She didn't like the fact that she was so dependent on others. She who had always been the rock of the family. The matriarch.
At the end, I went over several times a week and just sat with her and held her hand while she slept and I prayed and prayed. I would stroke her cheek. I would sing softly to her. Sometimes I would lay my head on her pillow and just be with her. Remembering how vital she once was. How much she gave to us. I prayed that she wouldn't have to go hard. I prayed that her going would be easy. That she would just fall asleep and wake up in the arms of Jesus. I believe that is what happened. Amy says that she checked on her just a couple of hours before she found her gone, and she was peaceful. She said she didn't hear anything on the monitor to cause any kind of desperation. I believe that she went to sleep and awoke in the arms of Jesus. I thank you, God, for allowing it to be like that.
I don't want her to be gone, but the fact is, Jesus came and got her. She needed to go. She wanted to go. Her quality of life wasn't good. She was weary. She was in pain. She stopped eating and drinking. I know that she is not suffering anymore, that she is dancing and praising God in Heaven. I know all of these things in my head. But, my heart is still heavy. I miss her. I know how selfish that sounds.
Losing someone you love is always hard. The little kids that were so close to her are having it rough, too. They don't know what to do with the grief. They don't understand why it hurts so much when you know she is better off now. You want to be happy that she is in Heaven, and you are happy about that part. It is the leaving us that is the unhappy part. She left a Paw-sized hole in our lives.
I don't know how it is going to feel to go into that house and celebrate without her. I just don't know. The emotions will run high, I imagine. The tears will well up. Life will go on. We will do our traditional things and draw closer together because of her.
That is the way she would have wanted it.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Paw
I sit here today with an anxiety-ridden stomach ache, wanting to say something inspiring, something worth reading, but not knowing what that is. You see, my mother-in-law (everyone calls her Paw) is declining in health daily. She was pretty good on her eighty-fifth birthday. We threw her a party that she said she didn't want, but she seemed to have a good time, and she is always a good sport about things. She looked very pretty. Since then, though, she has been declining really quickly. She is completely bedridden, can hardly hear, and the Parkinson's disease has made it difficult for her to speak or eat properly. She now takes most of her medications orally, since it is so hard for her to swallow. She is wasting away because she doesn't eat much. She is tiny and frail. Now, to most folks, that sounds like what should happen to someone of her advanced age with the disease that her body suffers. The problem is, I don't think of her like that.
The Betty I remember was always doing something. She worked practically her entire life at a job. Then, if she wasn't physically in the yard cutting grass, puttering in flower beds, weeding gardens, watering plants, etc., she was in the house cooking and making meals from literally nothing, cleaning, or tending to myriads of children. Even when she was sitting, she was sewing on yo-yos or something. She was rarely idle. I learned from her how to make biscuits, how to make gravy, and how far you could stretch a small piece of meat to feed an entire family. You take one bite of meat, then three bites of bread. Voila! She taught me many things.
I had no idea families could be like hers. I was blessed to be married into her family. My family life at my house was not as idyllic as hers. Now, that doesn't mean they didn't have problems with the heater, the appliances, etc., it just meant that she ran a house like she ran her life. It is what it is and you make the best of it. She wasn't a big complainer. She was a "do the best you can with what you've got" kind of person.
Everyone liked going to Paw's house. It was a joyful place to go, because she always had time for us. There was always something to do. The kids played outside more than in. She sang to our kids, she listened to our complaints, she nurtured. At one point in our lives, we spent every single Sunday afternoon at her house, starting with dinner after church and then the rest of the afternoon outside in some capacity or other. She would get up way before everyone else and get the dinner started before she even got her kids up. Then she went to church with them.
I learned to love Jesus being around her. I met the Holy Spirit at one of the Bible Study meetings at her friend's house. I learned to worship my Jesus with abandon by watching her. She was a good role model. We had many theological discussions sitting in her living room. Not to say we didn't butt heads every once in awhile, but the good outweighed the bad about 95 to 1. She has always been precious to me. I hope she knows how much I love her.
As I contemplate her passing, I am saddened because I will miss her so very much. Her great-grandchild just got saved a few weeks ago because of her. Her legacy will live on.
Addy Lin, who is five, says, "You can't be sad. When Paw goes to heaven, she will be able to walk, to run, to talk, and to hear. She will be with Jesus. You gotta be happy about that."
Yeah, I guess I will be happy about that. I will be happy that she is in the arms of Jesus. I will just be sad because I will be missing the person. I will be sad for me because I will be missing my mother-in-law who felt more like a mother than an in-law. I will miss her sweet spirit. I will miss her unconditional love.
The Betty I remember was always doing something. She worked practically her entire life at a job. Then, if she wasn't physically in the yard cutting grass, puttering in flower beds, weeding gardens, watering plants, etc., she was in the house cooking and making meals from literally nothing, cleaning, or tending to myriads of children. Even when she was sitting, she was sewing on yo-yos or something. She was rarely idle. I learned from her how to make biscuits, how to make gravy, and how far you could stretch a small piece of meat to feed an entire family. You take one bite of meat, then three bites of bread. Voila! She taught me many things.
I had no idea families could be like hers. I was blessed to be married into her family. My family life at my house was not as idyllic as hers. Now, that doesn't mean they didn't have problems with the heater, the appliances, etc., it just meant that she ran a house like she ran her life. It is what it is and you make the best of it. She wasn't a big complainer. She was a "do the best you can with what you've got" kind of person.
Everyone liked going to Paw's house. It was a joyful place to go, because she always had time for us. There was always something to do. The kids played outside more than in. She sang to our kids, she listened to our complaints, she nurtured. At one point in our lives, we spent every single Sunday afternoon at her house, starting with dinner after church and then the rest of the afternoon outside in some capacity or other. She would get up way before everyone else and get the dinner started before she even got her kids up. Then she went to church with them.
I learned to love Jesus being around her. I met the Holy Spirit at one of the Bible Study meetings at her friend's house. I learned to worship my Jesus with abandon by watching her. She was a good role model. We had many theological discussions sitting in her living room. Not to say we didn't butt heads every once in awhile, but the good outweighed the bad about 95 to 1. She has always been precious to me. I hope she knows how much I love her.
As I contemplate her passing, I am saddened because I will miss her so very much. Her great-grandchild just got saved a few weeks ago because of her. Her legacy will live on.
Addy Lin, who is five, says, "You can't be sad. When Paw goes to heaven, she will be able to walk, to run, to talk, and to hear. She will be with Jesus. You gotta be happy about that."
Yeah, I guess I will be happy about that. I will be happy that she is in the arms of Jesus. I will just be sad because I will be missing the person. I will be sad for me because I will be missing my mother-in-law who felt more like a mother than an in-law. I will miss her sweet spirit. I will miss her unconditional love.
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