First One Without Her

I love Easter. I love it because of the ressurection of Jesus Christ. He rose! He lives!

I love the pretty clothes, I love the kids in their new outfits and shoes. I love the egg hunts and the excitement of the kids when they dive into those plastic eggs, hoping to get the cross and win a "prize." I love it because we get together with my most favorite people in the whole world. Our family. We eat, we parade, we sit around and talk. We just be together.

This year, however, we face our first holiday get together without our precious Paw. I am struggling with this fact. I can barely contain my tears when I think about it. Our first holiday without her. I can barely remember a holiday without her in it. I miss her every single day. I write this through my tears. I am choked up. Literally.

I know that sometimes it was a pain to have to spend the night at her house in order to take care of her. I know that sometimes I resented having to drop everything to tend to her. I know that sometimes I was short tempered because of circumstances. But, I never resented HER. I love her with a love that transcends her being my mother-in-law. She was a mother to me, a good friend, my counselor, my muse, my role model, my spiritual advisor. She was a lot of things to me. A burden - no, not ever. It was kind of like your children. You are aggravated a lot by them, but you wouldn't want them gone. I feel the same way about her. No matter whether or not you expect the passing, you are never ready for the reality of it.

She has always given her all to us without much complaint. She was a good mother, a good grandmother, a good wife. She blessed me with her uncomplaining ways. She taught me so much by example. She was never still. She needed a lot of care at the end days of her life. She didn't like the fact that she was so dependent on others. She who had always been the rock of the family. The matriarch.

At the end, I went over several times a week and just sat with her and held her hand while she slept and I prayed and prayed. I would stroke her cheek. I would sing softly to her. Sometimes I would lay my head on her pillow and just be with her. Remembering how vital she once was. How much she gave to us. I prayed that she wouldn't have to go hard. I prayed that her going would be easy. That she would just fall asleep and wake up in the arms of Jesus. I believe that is what happened. Amy says that she checked on her just a couple of hours before she found her gone, and she was peaceful. She said she didn't hear anything on the monitor to cause any kind of desperation. I believe that she went to sleep and awoke in the arms of Jesus. I thank you, God, for allowing it to be like that.

I don't want her to be gone, but the fact is, Jesus came and got her. She needed to go. She wanted to go. Her quality of life wasn't good. She was weary. She was in pain. She stopped eating and drinking. I know that she is not suffering anymore, that she is dancing and praising God in Heaven. I know all of these things in my head. But, my heart is still heavy. I miss her. I know how selfish that sounds.

Losing someone you love is always hard. The little kids that were so close to her are having it rough, too. They don't know what to do with the grief. They don't understand why it hurts so much when you know she is better off now. You want to be happy that she is in Heaven, and you are happy about that part. It is the leaving us that is the unhappy part. She left a Paw-sized hole in our lives.

I don't know how it is going to feel to go into that house and celebrate without her. I just don't know. The emotions will run high, I imagine. The tears will well up. Life will go on. We will do our traditional things and draw closer together because of her.

That is the way she would have wanted it.