Just thinking...

I am just thinking today. I have an idea what I am going to write about. Random thoughts. Thinking out loud. Typing what I am thinking, etc.

Blogs are like little snippets of ourselves. If you are blogging what you are thinking, you are letting people in on your innermost thoughts. I am letting you in on mine.

I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better grandmother. I want to be a better friend. That said, how do I go about doing this? I have failed miserably in all of these categories at one time or another. I am human. I blame no one but myself.

I am harboring unforgiveness in my soul. Is this what is causing me to stumble in my life? Probably.

How do you forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? Someone who says that they are perfectly justified in hurting you so badly...that you can barely breathe when you think about it? Others have forgiven this person, why can't I? Do I have some kind of flaw that opens myself up for that kind of hurt? If I distance myself from that person, is that the way to handle the hurt? I am struggling with this.

Forgiveness is forgiveness. I understand that intellectually. God forgives me for all the horrible sins in my life. How come I can't forgive in return? God has been bringing to mind this issue a lot the last couple of months. I have no answer for Him. I know in my soul that I am in direct disobedience to Him. I hate it that I am not behaving in the manner that He expects me to. I know that it is wrong--I know that I am wrong. How come I can't let it go? I keep praying for Him to give me some kind of peace about this issue. Some kind of sign that it is okay to let it go. I keep getting the wrong answers, or I am not listening to His guidance in the right way. I have no idea what to do. I have prayed for God to give me the grace to be able to forgive as He has forgiven me. How come I can't do it? Why is this so hard?

It was just words, but words that hurt me to my soul. How do I get out of this abyss that I call unforgiveness?