Thoughts about my Mother

Recently at church (during the boring announcement part -- not the good stuff), I was trying to remember what ring I had inherited from my mother when she died. I couldn't get my brain to pull out a memory of that ring. I was confused because it hasn't been all that long since she died, so it shouldn't have been that hard to remember. I finally did remember it and when I got home after church, I decided to wear it for a few days to remind me of her. I am not afraid that I will forget her because she isn't someone you forget. I can tell you this, no matter what kind of mother you have, you will miss her when she is gone. Just go home and hug your Mom today and let her know how you feel about her before it is too late, and honestly, you will never know when it is too late until it is. Don't put it off. Trust me on this.

I don't have any regrets about that part, my last words to my mom were, "I love you." Had I known that it would be my last conversation with her, I wonder what I would have said different. Would we have talked about something else besides her health? Would we have had an indepth conversation about all the things I wanted to talk about, but never did? Probably not. She was consumed by her ailments. They were many and she wasn't well, but still, I wasn't prepared for her to die. I don't know if you are ever prepared when someone you love dies. It always takes your breath away, but I wasn't prepared for the depth of emotions that were unleashed by her death. I knew that I would miss her after she died because she was my mother, but I wasn't prepared to miss her every single day with an ache that is completely indescribable. I have talked about it with friends and family and I have come to believe that what I am missing so much is not only my mother as a person, but the opportunity that I will never have now to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I craved -- one that we did not have. She loved me, I have no doubt about that, and I guess I wanted her to be something that she wasn't capable of being. I don't know if I can put it into words. This longing for parental love that I missed so much. I hope that my daughters never feel this ache. I hope that they get from me what they need from me so that there will be no regrets when I pass on and if they aren't getting what they need from me, I hope that they tell me so I can fix it before it is too late.