First One Without Her

I love Easter. I love it because of the ressurection of Jesus Christ. He rose! He lives!

I love the pretty clothes, I love the kids in their new outfits and shoes. I love the egg hunts and the excitement of the kids when they dive into those plastic eggs, hoping to get the cross and win a "prize." I love it because we get together with my most favorite people in the whole world. Our family. We eat, we parade, we sit around and talk. We just be together.

This year, however, we face our first holiday get together without our precious Paw. I am struggling with this fact. I can barely contain my tears when I think about it. Our first holiday without her. I can barely remember a holiday without her in it. I miss her every single day. I write this through my tears. I am choked up. Literally.

I know that sometimes it was a pain to have to spend the night at her house in order to take care of her. I know that sometimes I resented having to drop everything to tend to her. I know that sometimes I was short tempered because of circumstances. But, I never resented HER. I love her with a love that transcends her being my mother-in-law. She was a mother to me, a good friend, my counselor, my muse, my role model, my spiritual advisor. She was a lot of things to me. A burden - no, not ever. It was kind of like your children. You are aggravated a lot by them, but you wouldn't want them gone. I feel the same way about her. No matter whether or not you expect the passing, you are never ready for the reality of it.

She has always given her all to us without much complaint. She was a good mother, a good grandmother, a good wife. She blessed me with her uncomplaining ways. She taught me so much by example. She was never still. She needed a lot of care at the end days of her life. She didn't like the fact that she was so dependent on others. She who had always been the rock of the family. The matriarch.

At the end, I went over several times a week and just sat with her and held her hand while she slept and I prayed and prayed. I would stroke her cheek. I would sing softly to her. Sometimes I would lay my head on her pillow and just be with her. Remembering how vital she once was. How much she gave to us. I prayed that she wouldn't have to go hard. I prayed that her going would be easy. That she would just fall asleep and wake up in the arms of Jesus. I believe that is what happened. Amy says that she checked on her just a couple of hours before she found her gone, and she was peaceful. She said she didn't hear anything on the monitor to cause any kind of desperation. I believe that she went to sleep and awoke in the arms of Jesus. I thank you, God, for allowing it to be like that.

I don't want her to be gone, but the fact is, Jesus came and got her. She needed to go. She wanted to go. Her quality of life wasn't good. She was weary. She was in pain. She stopped eating and drinking. I know that she is not suffering anymore, that she is dancing and praising God in Heaven. I know all of these things in my head. But, my heart is still heavy. I miss her. I know how selfish that sounds.

Losing someone you love is always hard. The little kids that were so close to her are having it rough, too. They don't know what to do with the grief. They don't understand why it hurts so much when you know she is better off now. You want to be happy that she is in Heaven, and you are happy about that part. It is the leaving us that is the unhappy part. She left a Paw-sized hole in our lives.

I don't know how it is going to feel to go into that house and celebrate without her. I just don't know. The emotions will run high, I imagine. The tears will well up. Life will go on. We will do our traditional things and draw closer together because of her.

That is the way she would have wanted it.

Paw

I sit here today with an anxiety-ridden stomach ache, wanting to say something inspiring, something worth reading, but not knowing what that is. You see, my mother-in-law (everyone calls her Paw) is declining in health daily. She was pretty good on her eighty-fifth birthday. We threw her a party that she said she didn't want, but she seemed to have a good time, and she is always a good sport about things. She looked very pretty. Since then, though, she has been declining really quickly. She is completely bedridden, can hardly hear, and the Parkinson's disease has made it difficult for her to speak or eat properly. She now takes most of her medications orally, since it is so hard for her to swallow. She is wasting away because she doesn't eat much. She is tiny and frail. Now, to most folks, that sounds like what should happen to someone of her advanced age with the disease that her body suffers. The problem is, I don't think of her like that.

The Betty I remember was always doing something. She worked practically her entire life at a job. Then, if she wasn't physically in the yard cutting grass, puttering in flower beds, weeding gardens, watering plants, etc., she was in the house cooking and making meals from literally nothing, cleaning, or tending to myriads of children. Even when she was sitting, she was sewing on yo-yos or something. She was rarely idle. I learned from her how to make biscuits, how to make gravy, and how far you could stretch a small piece of meat to feed an entire family. You take one bite of meat, then three bites of bread. Voila! She taught me many things.

I had no idea families could be like hers. I was blessed to be married into her family. My family life at my house was not as idyllic as hers. Now, that doesn't mean they didn't have problems with the heater, the appliances, etc., it just meant that she ran a house like she ran her life. It is what it is and you make the best of it. She wasn't a big complainer. She was a "do the best you can with what you've got" kind of person.

Everyone liked going to Paw's house. It was a joyful place to go, because she always had time for us. There was always something to do. The kids played outside more than in. She sang to our kids, she listened to our complaints, she nurtured. At one point in our lives, we spent every single Sunday afternoon at her house, starting with dinner after church and then the rest of the afternoon outside in some capacity or other. She would get up way before everyone else and get the dinner started before she even got her kids up. Then she went to church with them.

I learned to love Jesus being around her. I met the Holy Spirit at one of the Bible Study meetings at her friend's house. I learned to worship my Jesus with abandon by watching her. She was a good role model. We had many theological discussions sitting in her living room. Not to say we didn't butt heads every once in awhile, but the good outweighed the bad about 95 to 1. She has always been precious to me. I hope she knows how much I love her.

As I contemplate her passing, I am saddened because I will miss her so very much. Her great-grandchild just got saved a few weeks ago because of her. Her legacy will live on.

Addy Lin, who is five, says, "You can't be sad. When Paw goes to heaven, she will be able to walk, to run, to talk, and to hear. She will be with Jesus. You gotta be happy about that."

Yeah, I guess I will be happy about that. I will be happy that she is in the arms of Jesus. I will just be sad because I will be missing the person. I will be sad for me because I will be missing my mother-in-law who felt more like a mother than an in-law. I will miss her sweet spirit. I will miss her unconditional love.

Doomsday

Well, we are all still here. Imagine that. I am not surprised. I honestly doubt that God is going to let people have advance notice of His son's re-appearance. He specifically said in the Bible that no one will know the exact day or hour of the second coming. Sure, the end times are here, but they have been here for years and years. I have been hearing about the end times for most of my adult life. We all need to be prepared for judgement day. We have work to do to make sure that everyone we know and love will be raptured or in heaven with us when the time comes. Our time may come before Jesus does, so we better be ready. I say, bring it. I am ready, are you?

Such a Waste

First of all, I am not trying to be hurtful, I am trying to sort this out.

An old family friend died recently from their own hand. I do NOT understand this. I understand depression. I have dealt with depression for over 20 years. I understand not wanting to get up and live life. I cannot understand taking the life that God gave me and wasting it. This person had children. Three lovely children. Those children will wake up one day and realize that their mother didn't care enough about them to stay around and be their mother. That is a fact. They will carry a void that cannot be filled by anyone else. I know about abandonment. My mother abandoned me for most of my childhood years. She, of course, blamed it on her ex-husband. It didn't matter. All that mattered to me was that my mother was gone and she didn't care enough about me to fight for me. My other parental units abandoned me with alcohol. Same thing, different method. Everyone has issues that we know nothing about. No one knows what goes on in the minds of other people. That is one reason we need to be forgiving of the treatment we receive from others. No one sets out to destroy their family on purpose. Except people who commit suicide. I feel that they do destroy their families on purpose. I feel that their selfishness destroys their family.

I am praying that these children do not carry those demons throughout their life, because I know that their parents loved those children. I know they only wanted the best for them. Really? Then why would you take your own life? Then why leave them with such a gaping wound? I know your pain is over, but the pain you left behind will haunt everyone that knew you. You did a horribly selfish thing.

I think suicide is the ultimate act of rage and selfishness.

Outpouring

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. ~ Psalms 39:7, NLT

This was an encouraging word from KLOVE. It is true. Nothing we do or say or try to do or try to say can happen without the Lord. He is sovereign.

I have been amazed and awed at the outpouring of prayers on behalf of Silas Cameron. It is so great that we can be united to pray for this little boy without some of us even knowing him. I don't know him, I don't know his parents. I know my daughters love him and his family. That is enough for me. That is enough for friends of mine at church. People all over the country are praying for this little boy.

My mother's heart goes out to Silas' mother. I know they are faithful loving servants of God. They lost one son to this horrible thing that has attacked Silas. They have had several miscarriages on the way to having Silas. They have endured pain and sorrow. I am sure that they breathed a sigh of relief when Silas lived longer than Carter. Now the same thing is happening to Silas. I feel that we, as the body of Christ, have held the Cameron's up when they couldn't do it themselves. I know they are scared. That is a certainty. No matter what kind of faith you have, when your child is sick, nothing else matters. When your child is in critical condition, it is hard to hold on to your thoughts. Your thoughts are consumed with caring for that sick child. No matter how old they are. It seems unfair that the world still turns, that people still have to go to work, that bills have to be paid, that meals have to be eaten, that your other children need you, that life goes on. Their life is consumed by wanting to be with their son. They need to be in the hospital. They need to help him. Unfortunately, they cannot.

Only through God can their child be healed. The doctors need God to help them find out how to help that baby. I have woken myself up praying for Silas. I have poured out my heart to God to spare their little boy. That they shouldn't have to go through that kind of loss again. God is answering our prayers. I have claimed a miracle for Silas. I have prayed that he be 100% healed and that God is given all the glory for this healing. I feel like no matter how long it takes for this to happen, it will happen. I was very discouraged at first when I heard about this, but since the first 24 hours, I am convinced that God is going to heal this baby completely. I have no basis for this, just a gut feeling. I know my God is a God of miracles, and I believe that this is going to be one of His miracles.

Please continue to pray for Silas Cameron. God need to hear our unceasing prayers for this baby. God needs to know that we all have faith that He will heal this baby.

God wants to hear from you.

Christian One-Liners

Don't claim to have made any of these up. Got them in a forwarded email, but so many were funny - I had to repost:

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete - Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!

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Prayer:

Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Romance

Romance means so much to so many people, and it is hard to know what to do. It is going to be Valentine's Day before you know it, and you probably already have a plan for that day. But, are you ready for day to day romance?

Here are some easy and cheap ways to romance your bride:

Surprise her! Fold the laundry so she can take a bath and read. You will reap the benefits (unless she falls asleep in the tub).

Take out the trash without having to be coaxed to do so, unless you do it all the time anyway, and in that case, good for you!! Pick up the living room without having to be asked, and without your commenting on the state of your house. A tired pissed off wife is not that much fun.

Play with your kids while dinner is being prepared by your spouse. They are your kids, too. Or, even better, cook dinner for her and the kids without her help. Clean as you go so that you don't have so much to clean up when dinner is over. I know, I know, you worked hard all day -- so did she, especially if she is a stay-at-home mom! The emotional and physical demands on a mother is more than you can possibly imagine. Do this without expecting an ovation for your sacrifice.

Take a turn helping with that darn homework. That is a chore that you can share with her.

If you come home and your wife isn't there and the house is a mess -- suffice it to say that she probably had plenty to do that distracted her from the housework -- help out and clean it up, because it is your house, too. She will be very happy to see that.

Take a turn putting your children to bed. I know you worked all day and are tired. So is everyone that lives and works and has children. Get over yourself and just do it. Your wife will be grateful, and your kids will love it. A special daddy is a daddy who takes time to just be with his kids. Read them some books, spend some time just talking to your kids. You'll be surprised at what goes on in those little minds. Your wife could be turned on by this.

If she is a mother, make a date with your kids every Saturday morning away from your house so that your wife can have a few hours to herself to do whatever it is that she wants. Don't give her a cheesy "coupon" book for future favors. Just do it and do it often.

Clean something that you know she hates to clean.

Love your wife the way she needs you to love her -- not the way you need to love her or the way you want to love her. You can learn what turns her on, you can learn what makes her feel loved. Pay attention to details. It honestly does not take all that much to figure out what makes her happy.

Here are some cheap and easy ways to romance your husband (besides the obvious one):

Have him watch whatever he wants on TV without your commentary on his choice of shows. You may not know this, but men are different than women (in most cases) regarding their choice of TV viewing. I promise you will not die if you have to watch that show about the alligators.

Rub his feet while he is watching said TV shows. Just relax and "be" with him. Don't try to discuss the days events while the TV is on. Save that for some other time. Men don't like to be hammered with conversation every minute they are home. Let them relax for awhile with silence and your companionship. Don't always be doing something else while he is relaxing--relax with him. He needs to be wanted.

Have sex and have it often. It is good for him and good for you. You may not always be in the mood,  but be in the moment, and you just might find out your mood is subject to change.

Love him the way he needs to be loved -- it might not be your way, but it is what he needs.

Men need respect. Make an effort to respect and love your husband for who he is -- not who you want him to be. You will be surprised at what happens.

Let him play computer games or video games if that is what floats his boat. Don't nag him about his choice of recreation. Is it really that important that he likes what you like all the time? So what if he likes a video game that you don't? What is the big deal? Do you want him controlling your leisure time? Probably not, so offer him the same courtesy. If the man is the head of the house (and that is what God intended), that means his opinion needs to be respected also. 

Make sure you connect during the day. A text message can work wonders in his day if it means you were thinking of him. Send him an email. Leave him a phone message. Just let him know that he matters to you.

This list is not intended to be all inclusive. Use your imagination. Treat him or her like they are your best friend. Treat them with the courtesy that you would treat an honored guest in your home. No one can do all these things all the time, but with practice, you can do most of them some of the time and watch the atmosphere in your home change. It is possible to live in a harmonious home.

People don't want love they can live with, they want love they can't live without. Love them like that. You'll be glad you did.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to anyone who actually reads this blog. I don't know of anyone who reads it regularly, not even my kids. Maybe when I pass on, they will be interested.

Anyway, I keep hearing this, "Now things can get back to normal." I don't want things to go back to normal. What is normal? Why not keep ourselves in the holiday mode all year long (except for the non-stop eating)? I think that more people probably think about Jesus in December than most months. I think that people are just happier during the holiday season once the shopping is done and the stage is set for the holidays. People seem kinder in December (all except the walmart employees). I wish we could keep that feeling of good will toward men all year long. I guess that is too much to ask.

I am very busy in January. I work in an office and I have to change all my files over to new ones for the new year. That means taking all the old ones out and putting them in file cabinets in the back room. That means that for the first month or two of this new year, I will be traipsing back and forth to the back to locate something that someone needs. I like organization, I am just not good at it. My desk looks a mess. I try really hard, but it doesn't come easy to me. I know I can find what I need, I just need to put it away instead of put it down. If only I could train myself to do that at home, too. Wow, that would be good.

I am stalling putting my Christmas decorations away. Not because I am particularly lazy, but because I really like my tree and hate to see it taken down. I know it has to go, but I am holding on for a bit.

I really want to go back to Weight Watchers, too. I know, it didn't take last year, but that shouldn't stop me from trying again, should it? I hate that I let myself get so fat again. I do it every single time. I sabotage myself. I have no one to blame but myself.

I love the holidays. I wish they lasted longer.

Sacrifice

Yesterday, at church, our sermon was about sacrifice. God sacrificed His ONLY Son for us. He let His son be born to die for us. Can you even wrap your head around that? God knows all -- He knew how His son was going to have to die. Yet, He sent Him to us anyway. Can you understand that? He knew in advance that His son would have to die a horrible death, yet he counted us as worth that sacrifice. Wow. I am without words to say to express my appreciation of His sacrifice. I am amazed that He thought I was worthy of such a sacrifice. I am amazed by the depths of His love for us. That He wants a relationship with us. That all He wants of us is for us to love Him.

My mother's heart is in awe of this fact. I have been saved for many years, yet I am sure that I wasn't aware until I held my first child how it must have felt for God to decide to sacrifice His son for us. Can you even imagine such a thing? Can you even fathom having a child just to watch them die a gruesome death? I love my little girl with a love I didn't know existed until I looked into her tiny face. It still amazes me that someone you hadn't even met before can captivate you so inexplicably in the instant you make eye contact. I loved her before she was born, but to see her face -- to look into those eyes. She had me in the palm of her hand.

When I almost lost my second daughter when she was an adult, I was feeling pain akin to no other I had ever felt before. Here I was, expecting a grandchild, expecting a normal delivery, expecting joy and happiness. For over a month, I was in a mother's hell. I didn't know from one day to the next if my baby girl was going to go home to Jesus. Glory be to God, I did not have to lose her. For that and for so many things, I praise my Creator for all He has done for me.

My point is, I didn't have to sacrifice my child. God did sacrifice His. He did it for me. He did it for you. God knows the pain of losing a child. God lives with the pain of rejection every single minute of every single day. Every single time He beckons one of His children to Him and they reject Him, He must feel this.

Do something for Him. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. You'll never be sorry.

It's a Wonderful Life...

Merry Christmas.

As I ponder what is important this holiday season, besides Jesus being the obvious choice, I seem to keep going back to my family. I know, I harp on how great a family I have, but it is true. We have some characters in our family, and they know who they are (I am one of them). The fact that you can choose your friends, but not your family is certainly true. Honestly, I love spending holidays with my family members. Some of those family members are my friends, too. I love the holidays when we just spend the day together. Sitting around talking and sharing time together. Sounds trite, but it isn't really. I just love it.

I think I would enjoy living on a commune with my girls and their families. They are a fun lot of people. I am thankful to God for giving my oldest child a man who actually loves her and puts her first in his life. I don't have to worry about whether or not he loves her children -- you can see how much he does. She is happy, and that makes me happy. My youngest has a man who cherishes her and their kids. He is the perfect man for her. I doubt if my children would like to live on a commune with me, so I will settle for them living in the same proximity that I live. I love that I can see them whenever I need to.

I love my grandchildren with a love that is totally different from my children. Very strong and protective, very gentle and sweet. I don't have to raise them into people, so I can just love them. And I do. So very much. None of them are perfect, but they are perfect enough for me.

I just watched It's a Wonderful Life the other night on TV. It is a holiday favorite of mine. (I also like Christmas Vacation and the Grinch as well.) Anyway, I was thinking what would change if I had never been born, and it blows me away to realize what wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been born. I didn't have the greatest of childhoods, and am by no means as important as George Bailey was to his community, but I have value. I have worth. If it weren't for me, my children wouldn't have been born, nor would I have my grandchildren. We all impact each other, whether we are aware of it or not. I pray that my impact would be a positive one. I have so many people who love me, and I am very blessed.

All in all, I have a wonderful life.

Scrooges

What is it about Christmas that brings out the worst in people? The sour pusses that complain about all things Christmas. I am talking about the Scrooges of the world. I am talking to the ones who hate spending money on presents, who hate to decorate their homes, who hate Christmas music, who secretly or not so secretly hate those of us that love Christmas. The ones who say they don't even want any presents so that they don't have to buy any for anyone else. The ones that bah humbug so much that they ruin the holidays for the ones that love it. They say that Christmas has gone all commercial and it is all about the presents. I beg to differ.

Christmas is all about remembering the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Sure, we all get presents, and most of us like that, but it isn't the focus of our Christmas. Christmas Eve service at Waters Edge is my focus. I am so excited to be there again this year. I love my church. I love my church for many reasons, and one of them is the Christmas Eve service. My family plans their festivities around this service. It is always mind blowing. It is always Christ focused. It is always worth attending. Those involved in the Christmas Eve service give up much of their holiday time planning, practicing, and investing in the service. Those people sacrifice their time, their family time, their talents, and sometimes their money to be sure that the Christmas Eve service at Waters Edge is unforgettable for those that attend. You would know what I am talking about if you ever went to one of our Christmas Eve services. I don't plan on missing out on an amazing extravaganza of talent, a beautiful heartfelt message, and some of the best music in town. If you don't have a church home, you are welcome to join our church. It is a place that will change the way you feel about church. We do things differently, but we do it good!

One thing to the scrooges of the world - Don't spread your negativity to those of us who love all the things about Christmas. Just let us go about loving the holiday and all that goes with it. Don't rain on our parade. It is okay to not like it, it is not okay to be such a grump that you make others miserable. Give it a try. Do it differently this year. Go with the flow. Enjoy yourself. You might just change your mind if you let the spirit of the holiday get inside you.

I love the Christmas message, I love the presents, I love the shopping, I love the faces of the children when they get "just what they wanted." I love the baking, the celebrating, the parties, the clothes, I love all of this holiday, and I especially love Jesus Christ, and am forever humbled by what he did to make this possible. I celebrate the birth of our Lord because he came willingly to lay down His life for me. I never have to be separated from Him - NOT EVER.

Eternity with Jesus Christ. Don't leave this world without it. Merry Christmas everyone!

It's that time again...

Yes, I am going to write about Eden's birthday again. I can't escape the feelings that come to the surface at this time of year. She will be 7 years old tomorrow. I love that kid. She is such a blessing. She has her moments (just ask her Mom), but all in all, she is pretty great. She puts pressure on herself to do well in school, she overreacts to stress, she can be a handful, but she has my heart. There is something pretty special about her. Having a grandchild is such a wondrous thing. I almost lost my precious daughter when Eden was born, but God in His infinite wisdom decided that it wasn't time for her to go. I am forever grateful that He let her heal and stay on earth with us. The emotions that come up at this time of year are pretty overwhelming sometimes. I am not dwelling on the sadness of the whole thing, but the weeping that I do is because of what God did in spite of everything that happened. God gave me a peace about Bethany that is hard to fathom. I never experienced a total reliance on God as I did during that time. My daughter's life was in His hands, and I was totally powerless--there was nothing that I could do to help her. It was up to Him whether she lived or died. I am happy that she lived, I am grateful to God for her healing. I think that I need reminding sometimes of that feeling of total reliance on God. Sometimes I feel like I take Him for granted and only need to think back on that time of great stress to realize that He is with me always. He will never leave me or forsake me. I have that assurance through His Son!

I have to say, though, that all of my grandchildren are pretty special. I reflect on how lucky I am to have such good daughters and grandchildren. I am so blessed by them. Every single one of them has strengths and gifts that are different from the other.

Julia is so artistic and blessed by a gift of being able to draw magnificently. She loves the Lord, she is beautiful and graceful.

Aubrey is just a blessing. She dances quite well, and I am so impressed by that because I can't keep time with music. Aubrey is a beautiful child who loves the Lord and has a quiet spirit -- she feels things very deeply, yet doesn't show it all the time.

Chase is my only grandson. I love him to no end. He is athletic, and very kind spirited. He is fun to be around. He is a good boy.

Lila is just a hoot. She is so smart. Such fun. She says some of the funniest things. Her intelligence has been apparent since she was very little. I expect her to grow to be a woman of God. Chris had some trouble when she was born--Lila was very large and was stuck inside. It was very scary. God chose to protect Chris and Lila during that time, and I am so grateful for His grace.

Eden loves the Lord. She is very dramatic and so much fun to be around. She got baptized this year. I was honored to be there when she did it.

Addy Lin is amazing. That little girl is like a whirling top. Always spinning out of control. She has a very sweet spirit, and she is loving most of the time. She loves her big sister and sometimes goes out of her way to show everyone that.

I am expecting Claire very soon and can't wait to get to know her. All in all, I think my grandchildren are the best!

Thank you, God. You did good. You picked the perfect family for me.

Just thinking...

I wonder what happens to people who you thought were your friends? What happens when they drop out of your life? What are you supposed to think? I used to think I was a pretty good friend, but now, I am not so sure. Several people in my life have dropped out of my life. Completely dropped out. I am very sad about this. What makes it okay to be friends for awhile, then stop being friends? Stop emailing? Stop talking? Stop finding time to be together? Unfriending me on facebook? I realized the other day that if it weren't for my immediate family, I would have very few (if any) friends. I love my family, but family is not what I am talking about today. I am talking about friends. Friends that I invested myself in. Friends that I guess I let down in some way. What is it about me that makes me so easy to forget? What have I done consciously or unconsciously to become nothing more than an acquaintance? I must be hard to be friends with, that is all I can think of. I didn't think I was a high maintenance friend, but maybe I am. I am going to pray about this and see if I can get an answer.

I am not asking for compliments. I am not trying to get attention. I am not depressed. I am just thinking about this a lot lately. I am just trying to figure this all out.

Children

I have had babies on the brain lately. It started with a baby shower this past weekend. Pregnancy possibility. Then a private adoption thing I heard about. Seeing a new mother with her adopted child. Finding out the sex of a friend's baby. The couple in our church going through IVF. There are so many ways to have a baby. No matter how you get your baby, the end result is universal. Your lives will never be the same again.

I think it is a good thing. Having a child (no matter how that is accomplished) is one way to be sure that you won't be selfish anymore. Nothing like having a child to make you think about someone besides yourself. Those little things demand to be taken care of. Very loudly. Very fervently. Very often. The rewards of having a child are many. Those unexpected hugs around the neck from a sweaty little person are precious. The joy of watching them sit up for the first time, their first smile, their first tooth, their first steps. Such great milestones. Watching them grow is a miracle to behold.

Babies are so cute. Babies are so sweet. Babies sometimes smell delicious, sometimes not. Then they grow up, or at least they think they are grown up.

God give us our children as babies so that we will fall in love with them and not kill them during their high school years.

If you ran an ad for a teenager -- who would want it? Teenagers are typically depicted as surly, smart-mouthed, sleepy, selfish, grouchy, relentlessly needy people. Some of the teenagers I know are certainly like that, though some are not at all like that. Some pre-teen kids are already on that track. Some elementary school children are on that track. Some parents allow their children to speak to them in ways they would not let another human being on earth talk to them. Why do they do that? Because those children have worn their parents down and they are helpless to defend themselves. You know that the Grand Canyon was just a trickle of water to start with, don't you? But, after years and years of relentless dripping, the Grand Canyon became what it is today. That is how teenagers get their way. Hours and hours of constant, relentless begging. Honestly, I think most children should be locked away from the time they are 16 until they are about 25. That is when they start realizing that their parents aren't as stupid as they thought they were.

It is true. We have control over what we will take from people. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. So, how come the kids today are allowed to be so disrespectful to their parents and other adults? Because we allow them that freedom. It isn't a good thing. Our children are the next generation's adults. Surly, rude adults in some cases.

I feel old. Honestly, I am sure that every generation's grandmas and grandpas have thought that the children of today get away with way more than they ever got away with. It is true. Mothers and Fathers on the whole hate the music their children listen to incessantly, disapprove of their choice of friends, don't like the way their room always looks, and generally they don't like the time they spend on the phone and computer. The way they dress is questionable, also. That is a whole topic in and of itself. Who is the first parent who said "Let's get a pair of really short shorts that show off the buttocks, and put the word 'JUICY' on the back of it and let our beautiful child wear them." Seriously? Why would you want that on your child's butt? Why do you allow your child to wear such a garment? What has happened to modesty? What has happened to courtesy? How did this happen?

We have let it happen. Our generation raised a generation of adults that said, in effect, that nothing is their fault. It is all your parents fault. Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect. What a crock. No parent ever got up every day and said, "What can I do today to screw up my kid?" Sometimes it is your fault. You made a wrong choice, you took the wrong path. Your parent didn't stand over you and make you do anything. As an adult, you get to choose the paths you take. You make your own choices. You can either be a victim of your upbringing, or let your upbringing just be part of what makes you your own person. Everyone endures adversity. It is how we handle that adversity that makes us strong, not the adversity itself. Our reactions and choices make us into responsible, happy adults, or makes us into whiny, self-absorbed, miserable adults. Stop letting your children talk to you like you are nothing. Stop letting them decide where you eat dinner. Stop letting them make the decisions about themselves -- they don't know what is best for them. Take charge of those kids and raise them into people we can be proud of. Respectful, honest, God-fearing people.

That is all we want for our kids, so it is our responsibility to help mold them with those intentions. So go raise your kid to be the kind of person you think everyone would like to emulate. Go on, you can do it!

Church Snobs

What I am going to say will offend some. What I am going to say is going to make some mad. However, I do not think I can rest until I say this.

I am happy that you LOVE your new church. I am excited for you that you have found your place. I don't wish you anything but peace, and I don't begrudge your decision to attend that church. I just want the same consideration in the choice of my church. No church is perfect, because they are run by people. People can unintentionally offend, people hurt other people without meaning to, people are sometimes mean, people are human with human frailties. We all make mistakes and are all imperfect. Thankfully, Jesus has our backs.

Your church is probably great. Your church is probably where you need to be. Your church has probably got wonderful people in it. Your church may have deep intellectual subject matter. Your church may fill up your weekdays with activities. Your church's music may be awesome. Your pastor may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Your church may possibly be the answer to your prayer to God. If so, I am so glad you found it. What I have to say is this - Don't say mean or hurtful things about my church just because you like yours so much better. That makes you a church snob, and I will pray for you.

We have many churches and many different personalities in our town. It isn't the church or the building that makes a church right for someone. It is the relationship with Jesus that matters. If you love your church, that is great, but you should keep your comments and digs about your former church to yourself. What you sow, you shall reap, so be careful what words you use. Sour grapes are not a good meal.

I just pray that you will see that it is not about you. It is about Jesus. I wonder how Jesus feels about you saying mean things about His church. I doubt that He is proud of your actions, and He may even be a little embarrassed.

I pray that I am not a church snob, although, I do love my church. I just don't see the need to rub everyone's nose in it.

Fashion Nonsense

I don't approve of scantily clad young girls washing cars. I know, I am old fashioned, but really? They have to wear short shorts and skin tight tank tops to wash cars? I am not a fan of youth raising money by having car washes. I think that there are too many of them, and I find the children posted in the medians of the highway a traffic hazard. Where are their parents when they go to these activities? Have we, as parents and/or grandparents, lost our ability to say, "Go back inside and come out with something decent on."? How have we let this happen? Who was the first parent to let their kid go outside with his father's jean shorts down around his butt cheeks? When on earth is that going out of style? I saw a young man walking outside yesterday with his entire butt showing out of the top of his giant shorts that went down to is ankles. How are they still considered shorts? He had on underwear (thank the Lord), but his pants were clearly 5 sizes too big for him. I, for one, did not want to look at his underpants. How is that attractive? I know I am not a clothes horse, nor am I particularly trendy or fashionable, but I do know what looks terrible. Just check out some of the clothes on the awkward photo site. Those are some terrible clothes. When did we become desensitized to decent apparel? Modesty is a virtue that is lacking on a large scale in many of our young people. I guess when the hippies decided to burn their bras, they left the fashion world with a lot of options. I know that clothes don't make the man, but you can sure come up with some snap opinions when you look at some of the outfits that people wear. I am afraid that I cannot help but make rude comments under my breath when I see what people are wearing these days. Not that it is any of my business.

A Baby Girl

Well, we just got the news. My newest grandchild will be a girl.  So exciting. I can't wait to get to the stores and shop for her. I love my grandchildren. God did good when He created them. Praise Him for all his many blessings. They are all such special people. This one will be my number seven and her mother's number five. I am so blessed. Her name will be Claire Victoria-Marie Carter. They are using her paternal grandmother's name for the middle name (Victoria) and Marie is Chris' middle name and my middle name, so, she is named after her mother and maternal grandmother. I love it and I am honored by that. Claire will certainly be loved, that is for sure.

I thought this baby was going to be a boy. I have been right in my predictions for a long time now, but the last three predictions have been wrong. My mojo is off. Don't know why. I used to be so good at this. I just told my niece/cousin the other day that I thought her baby was going to be a girl. I guess we better get out the blue stuff. I have been wrong so much, that I wouldn't take much stock in my predictions anymore.

That said, I am very excited that this is a baby girl. However, I would have been just as excited if it had been a boy. I love my grandchildren--every single one of them. I guess I could say that I am partial to girls, having only had girls, and having six of my grandchildren be girls, but I love my boy grandchild, too. He is very lovable and so very special.

Each one is different from the others. Briefly, here is the way they are:

Julia - very artistic, very secure in herself, beautiful, smart, my first.
Aubrey - very sweet, very kind, beautiful, smart, my second.
Chase - very tender hearted, very much a boy, handsome, smart, my third.
Eden - very dramatic, very crafty, beautiful, smart, my fourth.
Addy Lin - very busy, very loving, beautiful, smart, my fifth.
Lila - very opinionated, very verbal, beautiful, too smart for her own good, my sixth.
Claire - TBD - I am sure she will be just as perfect as all the others.

There are so many other attributes that they have that if I listed them all, they post would be entirely too long. As you can guess, I think highly of my grandchildren. I believe they will be awesome adults because they are such awesome kids. They are being raised by Christian parents who love them and lift them up in prayer every single day. I pray for them, too. I pray for their parents. I love my daughters more than they could possibly imagine. I think they are very awesome individuals, and I think they are good wives to their husbands, and good mothers to their children. They grew up to be very special women to a lot of people, and they did this in spite of the mistakes that I made as a mother. I share them with very special grandparents, too. Their other parents are good people who love them and pray for them and their grandchildren as well. They make great in-laws for my girls. I know that my girls are loved by their husbands' parents. That is a good thing. Actually, that is a great thing.

I think my family and their families are the greatest.

Another Conundrum

Oh, man. It seems like I cannot catch a break. It is a known fact that I have a slight affection for office supplies. Pens, ink, note pads, post-its, etc. Well, someone very sweet gave me an olive tree box complete with post-it notes. It is proudly setting on my desk. Alas, however, I will never be able to use the post-its in it. There is a perfectly logical explanation.

Why you ask? That is such a great question. The reason is because I cannot find anything to refill it should I use up all the post-its in it. I spent a few minutes this morning checking out the office supply sites and that size is not available. Now, why would they make such a beautiful box and then not have the size post-its available for refills? I have no earthly idea. The problem is, I CANNOT use it now. Because, you ask? Because I cannot possibly use it for fear of running out of the right sized post-it notes. You see my problem? I am completely unable to use them.

It sounds like a silly problem, but for someone with office supply OCD, I cannot control myself. I have tried. My children have been known to kid me about my note pads. I cannot use them because if I do, then they will be gone. Simple enough. I use scrap paper or the backs of old notes instead. I have lovely note pads, and if I have more than one, then I can use them. If not, then no. Not possible. I keep them in a box on my computer desk.

Just in case anyone reads this and can find them, the size of the post-it is 2 5/8 x 3 inches.

Help me.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. I had a great day. Good service at church. Blessed by that. Got to spend time with some very special ladies in the church nursery loving on those sweet little babies.

I feel completely valued and loved. My kids did pictures of the grandchildren specifically for me. They even dressed them in purple (my favorite color). I love them. I love the pictures. I am so honored to have been given these beautiful daughters from God. I am completely blown away by the wonderful women they have become. They are just so great.

Wayne hung my new light fixture over the table in the dining room -- I didn't think he was going to do that, but was pleasantly surprised that he did. He bought me a very thoughtful gift. He loves me. I am totally blessed.

I got a sweet text from my little sister wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.

We had a good cookout with Wayne's mom at his sister Amy's house. Was surprised with a very thoughtful gift from the Israeli family that Amy has been working with (made me all misty-eyed).

Such good times with family. Catching up. Watching the children play with such gusto and abandon. Taking pictures. Eating way too much fabulous food. Talking with sisters-in-law. Enjoying my beautiful nieces and their wonderful kids. Loving this special celebration. Savoring the time together. Love my family. Feeling very emotional and tender hearted today.

Even still--as good as the day was--I miss my mother. I just do.

Conundrum

Lately, I have been thinking about my language. I have been wondering...if you use different words for swear words, is that really any different than actually using the swear words? Honestly, doesn't God already know what you were going to say before you cleaned it up? Who are we trying to fool? I need to clean up my act. I use inappropriate words sometimes. Sometimes more than sometimes. It is something that I have been working on for awhile. Something that I will probably always have to work on. Why do we need to use swear words? I do not know. All I know is this...I need to clean up my words.

"Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29.

That should be enough for me. The Bible says it. I need to just do it.

Good Friday

Friday, April 2, 2010
Good Friday can mean many things. It can mean, "Good, it's Friday." It can mean, "Wow, this is a good Friday," or it can mean that this is the day that most Christians contemplate what Jesus did for us. He died for us. He gave up everything He had for us. Did He know when He was a child what He was going to have to do? Can you imagine knowing that and trying to live a normal life? I am so glad that Jesus did what he did, and I am thankful that He was willing to do that for me. I am awed by the knowledge that He would have died for me even if I was the only person on earth. I am special to Jesus. I have much to contemplate this day.

I almost lost my child. I have lost two babies before they were born. I know about loss. I have lost my mother, my father, my grandparents, and numerous other special people. I think that once you get to be my age, you recognize what an honor it is to have family members. How could God let His son die for us? He did not set out to do this because it was an easy thing to do--He knew that as humans, we couldn't do it for ourselves, so He gave up His Son for us. I can imagine that knowing that Jesus was going to come out of the tomb was a comfort, but the pain that He had to go through before he died was horrific. I am sure God was grieved at knowing what his Son was going to have to go through to sacrifice Himself for our sins. The pain that I felt when I thought that my daughter was going to die was an unbearable pain. I hated it. I was mad. I was hurting. I was lost. I cannot imagine giving birth to a child and knowing it was going to die a horrible death, even knowing as He did that He was going to rise again and rule with Him.

Jesus did this for you, too. Hopefully, you already know this and have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior. My prayer is that if you do not know Him, that you accept Him as your savior. It is never too late to turn to Jesus. He is waiting anxiously for all to come to Him. Don't wait. It is so great to have the knowledge that I am going to forever be with Jesus in Heaven. I don't have to walk this earthly path alone. He is with me every step of the way.

Thank you, Jesus for your sacrifice for me. I am so honored to be one of your chosen people.

Valentine's Day

I don't see why there is such a controversy over Valentine's Day. Isn't Thanksgiving just another Thursday? Isn't Easter just one Sunday when everyone goes to church like they should do in the first place? No, I haven't forgotten why we celebrate Easter, but not everyone does. I am not trying to denigrate those other special days, I am just pondering why Valentine's Day causes such vehemence in people.

Honestly, I don't see why people get in an uproar because of this day. If it isn't a "real" holiday, then why is it celebrated with such gusto by some folks? Personally, I could take it or leave it. I don't have a strong opinion of Valentine's Day. It should just be a fun day where you go above and beyond to show your special someone that you care. Yes, it should happen every day, but it rarely does. Let the romantics have a field day with it.

Give it a rest Valentine's Day haters. Everyone has an opinion, but for those who love Valentine's Day, don't spoil it for them. Let them enjoy being special to someone, and being special for someone. Play along. It really won't hurt a bit if you do. You just might make someone's day -- and who couldn't use some extra attention?

There's No Place Like Goal

Today at Weight Watchers I heard a talk about our struggle to lose weight by a comparison with the Wizard of Oz. Now, I like the Wizard of Oz very much, so this one made an impression on me. As anyone knows, sometimes on the way to losing weight, you get tired of dieting. I know, I know, Weight Watchers is a "lifestyle change, not a diet." I am experiencing what I like to call my wavering of motivation. I am sick of it. I don't intend to not do it, I just want everyone to know that I am sick of it.

Whatever. Anyway, here is what I got out of today's meeting.

Okay, I was sucked up into the cyclone of overeating and being fat. I dreamed of a place where there weren't any restrictions on what I could eat. A magical place where no matter what I ate, I would not gain weight. A place of color and happiness. So, somehow, I knocked myself out and dreamed this:

I woke up in a place where when you kill someone (accidentally, of course), they give you candy. I like candy. A good start. Those small folks told me of a wizard that could help me get me back home where I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. I was relieved and anxious to get there. I figured that this place was magical, so it would be a cinch. Not so. They told me I had to go on a journey down the yellow brick road to find this wizard. Now, I was thinking how easy this was going to be, but alas, it was not so. I needed to walk down this road (and get some exercise and earn activity points) to get to the wizard. Okay. So, off I went.

I met this really skinny guy along the way (he had no brain). He wanted to go with me to the wizard to get him a brain. I figured, why not? He was pretty bossy and opinionated for someone without a brain, but off we went. Along the way, we met a tin guy who lamented that he had no heart. So, we invited him along to join us. First, we had to lube him up because he had been standing still so long, his joints were bothering him (that is what he gets for not moving enough). Off we went. Further along, we met the lion. He wanted courage. We invited him along. We had trees throwing apples (between one and three points each) at us. We didn't drink enough water, but no one noticed. The witch (I will call her "hunger") kept bothering us along the way, but we defeated hunger in the end.

To make a long story short, we ended up finding out that the wizard was all smoke and mirrors, and, thus, was a fraud. There is no easy fix. We have all the tools we need inside ourselves to get through this journey of weight loss. We don't need a good witch to point it out to us. We all wear the ruby slippers.

We have the courage to get to Weight Watchers and start the process.
We have the heart to want to be healthier and happier.
We have the brains to make the right choices.

We need to click our ruby slippers together and keep saying to ourselves "There's No Place Like Goal."

No one is going to care how long it takes me to accomplish my goal. No one is going to say, "Remember those weeks when you didn't lose any at all, or those weeks when you only lost .4 lbs.?" The goal is the goal. The rest is the process.

I need to forgive myself when I falter. I need to forgive myself when I fall off the program. Every single time I choose peas over candy, it is a triumph. I need to focus on the triumphs -- not the negative things that happen. I need to remember the goal is what I am aiming for. Even if one only does the program 80% of the time, it is better than not doing it at all. I am striving.

We have it all in our power. Now, to just do it.

No Idea

I had no idea that I haven't posted since September until my sister mentioned it last night. That is a long time. Much has happened since September. Some mundane, some life changing.

Let's see...
September - the grandkids went back to school. Eden had a really hard time for awhile with being scared, but she overcame it and goes to school with a happy heart most days. She conquered her fears. Lila loves her preschool and Addy Lin does, too. The big kids don't say much about school. They are pros by now. Julia is starting her junior year. She will graduate next year. Yikes. Aubrey is taking "Shop" in high school. Chase rarely mentions school. I guess he is doing fine or I would have heard about it.

October - Halloween party at Bethany's home. Great times...great friends...great chili.

November - Thanksgiving. Good family time for everyone.

December - Life changing. Third anniversary of my mother's death. My little zombie dogs both passed away. Maddie Biscuit (the blind one) died on Dec. 11th, and Sophie Elizabeth (the deaf, smelly, and crazy one) died on Dec. 30th. Sophie just didn't want to live without Maddie. She starved herself to death, and we had tried every trick we knew to get her to eat, but she would not. She distanced herself from us even. She wouldn't even come into the house. It was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed. It is so strange without them. As much as I complained about them, I miss them every single day. They had 14 good years, and now they are playing with Jesus. My sister said that if Maddie had drowned all those months ago, it would have been horrible, but when I saved her life, she got a few extra months of love and care, and then she died peacefully in her sleep. A nice way to go.

Well, now you are caught up. I will try to do better this year. Not such long lapses.

Just thinking...

I am just thinking today. I have an idea what I am going to write about. Random thoughts. Thinking out loud. Typing what I am thinking, etc.

Blogs are like little snippets of ourselves. If you are blogging what you are thinking, you are letting people in on your innermost thoughts. I am letting you in on mine.

I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better grandmother. I want to be a better friend. That said, how do I go about doing this? I have failed miserably in all of these categories at one time or another. I am human. I blame no one but myself.

I am harboring unforgiveness in my soul. Is this what is causing me to stumble in my life? Probably.

How do you forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? Someone who says that they are perfectly justified in hurting you so badly...that you can barely breathe when you think about it? Others have forgiven this person, why can't I? Do I have some kind of flaw that opens myself up for that kind of hurt? If I distance myself from that person, is that the way to handle the hurt? I am struggling with this.

Forgiveness is forgiveness. I understand that intellectually. God forgives me for all the horrible sins in my life. How come I can't forgive in return? God has been bringing to mind this issue a lot the last couple of months. I have no answer for Him. I know in my soul that I am in direct disobedience to Him. I hate it that I am not behaving in the manner that He expects me to. I know that it is wrong--I know that I am wrong. How come I can't let it go? I keep praying for Him to give me some kind of peace about this issue. Some kind of sign that it is okay to let it go. I keep getting the wrong answers, or I am not listening to His guidance in the right way. I have no idea what to do. I have prayed for God to give me the grace to be able to forgive as He has forgiven me. How come I can't do it? Why is this so hard?

It was just words, but words that hurt me to my soul. How do I get out of this abyss that I call unforgiveness?

A Change for the Better

Well, my oldest daughter got engaged this weekend. Congratulations to them both. He is getting a wonderful loving person to spend the rest of his life with, and I am so happy for her. She has chosen for her mate a man of God who is completely perfect for her. He protects her, he loves her, he loves her kids, he is gentle, he is kind, and he is respectful of her feelings. She has been through so much, and I am so glad she is happy again. What I like best is the way she is when she is with him. She is more like her old self. She is happy and not oppressed anymore. Thank you, John, for giving my daughter back her smile. It has been a long time since I have seen her this content. You have won the heart of a very wonderful woman. I trust him with my child. Thank you, Lord, for bringing them together.

Here I come to save the day...

My husband had been out of town since Sunday afternoon, so he wasn't around for all this drama.

I have had a harrowing few days with my little blind dog, Maddie. Monday night, she wasn't at home when I got there from work. Not terribly disturbing because, sometimes, she does wander a bit, but when she wasn't home by 8:00 p.m., I was a little concerned. I was beginning to worry.

I heard a loud knock on my door. There stood my neighbor with a lady, a little girl holding my dog, and a little boy. The lady said that her husband had just rescued our dog from the creek. She said they had seen something odd swimming around in circles in the creek and upon investigation, they discovered it to be a dog. OUR DOG. She said that her husband jumped into the creek and rescued the dog. Honestly, I do not know how they found me, but I know it had to do with my neighbor, because he was with them delivering Maddie to me. Maddie isn't wearing a collar. She rarely leaves the yard, we live on a private lane, etc. I know, I know, no excuse. Anyway, I was so relieved to see my dog, and was so overwhelmed that she was safe, that I didn't catch the lady's name. I feel bad about that, because I would like to write her a note. I did thank them profusely for saving her, though. All is well that ends well. Or so it would seem.

Anyway, to get along in this story. Early Wednesday morning, I let my pitiful blind dog outside to go potty before it got light. I now know that I should have stayed with her, but I was sleepy and didn't want to. Alas, I did not stay outside. I got up at 6:30 and called and called her. She did not come around. I got ready for work and decided to look for her by walking around the front of my house, down the lane a little, and circling through the neighbor's yard. I was at the end of their point when something told me to check the creek. You guessed it. There was Maddie, swimming around in circles in the creek. Well, I ran to my pier, shucked off my shoes, and proceeded to wade into the creek. She never even turned her head toward me when I was shrieking her name -- trying to get her to swim to me.

I am in my socks, but still -- Ewwww, gross. A crab crossed over my foot. I hate the creek. I hate mucky water. I hate not being able to see what I am walking through or on. I have no idea how deep the water is that she is in. I do not know how to swim. What in the world am I doing out here in this creek?

What I did know was that my little pitiful dog was swimming around in circles, probably scared to death. Oh, me, I could not let that dog drown. I proceeded to wade out -- getting stuck in the mud over and over, until I decided to try to go it on my knees so that I couldn't get stuck so much. I got to Maddie, and the water was over my shoulders up to my chin at that point. I even had on my glasses, so I surely didn't want to go in over my head. Anyway, I got to Maddie, cuddled her up, and then tried to carry her to the shore. It didn't work out so good. I kept losing my balance from trying to carry her and keep myself from going under at the same time. So, I did what I had to do. I kept shoving Maddie in the water ahead of me, trying not to push her underwater as I did. I got her to the shoreline, and when I picked her up, her little heart was racing. So was mine. Crisis averted.

I was a sight. I was covered in mud, my work clothes sopping wet, I was a mess. I was completely gross. I didn't want a wet dog in the house, so I put Maddie back in her dog pen and went back into the house -- peeled off those nasty clothes and re-showered and re-dressed for my workday.

Whew. I can tell you, it was pretty harrowing for me. I cried after it was all over, mainly because the shock of what happened had worn off. I guess we all have strengths we don't know we have until we need them.

I would never intentionally or voluntarily go into that creek, much less fully dressed. My husband says I showed courage that morning. I don't know about that. All I know is that I didn't want my dog to drown. If that is courage, then so be it. I did what I had to do.

In retrospect, there are many things I could have done differently. I could have gotten a life jacket from the boat and put it on myself. I could have used a net on a pole to try to shove her to the shoreline. I don't think that would have worked, though, because she was too far away from the pier for me to reach her. I could have gone for help from the neighbors, but honestly, who knows how long that poor dog had been treading water. I surely didn't. I like to think that she had just fallen in and I rescued her before she got too tired. I will never know, because Maddie isn't saying. I could have done many things, but I did what I did because, at the time, it was the only thing that made sense to me. So, that was my Wednesday morning.

Thank you, God, for not letting nasty things touch my body while I was in that water, and thank you for giving me the courage to rescue that dog. Thanks for letting me be able to save that dog and not drown myself in the process. I am grateful for Your many blessings. Amen.

P.S. I am going to be sure to watch Maddie very closely from now on so that I don't have to do that again.

To God Be The Glory

Okay, I admit it. My husband is out of town. No one is coming over. I am going to be alone tonight. I stopped at Farm Fresh to pick up bread and milk and a chick flick. OK, I was also going to pick up some potato chips and dip. I had my mind made up. I was going to treat myself--I deserve this. No one will ever know. I admit it, I am weak. I am struggling this week.

NO, I DID NOT DO IT. Praise be to God.

The reason for this post is to give God the glory for helping me resist a very very very strong temptation. I had the dip in my basket and was headed towards the chips. I put the dip back and went in the opposite direction. Not by my power, but by the power within me.

Would you like to know what I did buy? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I bought Lean Pockets (6 points per serving), cucumbers, a bag of salad, 1% milk, diet bread, and diet sandwich thins. So there, God helped me save me from myself. Thank you, Lord, you have always had my back.

Struggling

I got to the 41 pound weight loss this week. Hooray. Not a huge loss for this week, but still a loss. That is all good.

This week, so far though, I am struggling. Now, the battle for my body is starting up again. I am having cravings, want to eat junk food, missing things that I can't eat on this diet, etc. It has been a hard week, so far. I haven't succumbed to many temptations, and I still have 24 weekly points (you get 35) that I can use. I just don't like to dip into them. It is like a savings account. Once you start taking it out, you end up spending it all. I am going to need a strong helper this week. God is able. He is willing. He is there for me. I know all that. I am so grateful for all of that. I am trying to rely on Him alone. I have to admit, though, I am struggling for control this week. I have no idea why. I am my own worst enemy.

It is the typical thing with the angel on one shoulder and the evil one on the other shoulder. The angel says things to me like, "You are doing so great, don't give up now. Your momentum is going strong. You are averaging 2 pounds a week weight loss, you want to keep that up. God is with you through this." The evil shoulder thing says things like this to me, "Go ahead, you deserve to treat yourself. After all, you have been doing this for 20 weeks -- you need a break. A little mayonnaise couldn't possibly sabotage you. Go ahead, reward yourself -- indulge. It can't hurt. It is the beginning of the week, it won't show up on the scale next Saturday." Aargh!

Our sermon this week at church was "Break Free." I am trying to break free from my addiction to food. I am sure that God planned this series just for me. It is something that I need to hear. I am only human, and I am fragile. My won't power is not as strong this week as it has been.


I admit, I am weak. It is what has landed me here in the first place. If I could control myself, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. God is ever faithful, and I am so glad about that. I just feel like this week that I could possibly fail again. I don't want to. I don't want to disappoint God or myself. I am going to have to pray every single meal, every single snack, every single morsel. Maybe that is what God wants me to do anyway. I'll let you guys know how I get through this week. See ya.

Another Weigh In Success

Well, last Saturday when I weighed in at Weight Watchers, I had lost another 2.8 pounds. For those of you counting, that is 40.6 pounds lost. I am seeing differences in my clothes, they are getting looser. They are still a big stretched out size, so I am not patting myself on the back too much--that can lead to rewards that I cannot have just now. When I meet a milestone, I reward myself with non-food things. A manicure, a new blouse, or some music from iTunes. Food awards I do not bestow.

Unfortunately though, pictures continue to frustrate me. Obviously, I have a better body image than the pictures show. Unfortunate for me, because I am stunned when I see pictures of me now. That woman in that picture is still enormous. Where exactly did I have those 40 pounds? My thighs for one. Enough said. But, they look much better now.

Anyway, my point of all this is not to beat myself up or denigrate my weight loss. It is to make myself aware that this is just the first third of this journey of weight loss. I have at least 85 more pounds to go. At least it isn't 125 anymore. Praise you, Lord for being with me throughout this process.